Medicare

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"

The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye.

The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare...!

Hello

Two friends:
- Tonight I am going to organize a group sex session in my apartment. Do you want to come?
- Of course! How many people are coming?
- Three, if you bring your girlfriend.

what's the international definition of sex?

its an action done by poland into holland....... between thailland, occasionally with a little help from greece!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friendship

Two friends staying nearby quarters met on oneday morning.

1st: I kiss my wife eveyday morning before going to my office. How about you?

2nd: I kiss after you go to your office

To better your "Fcuk" word in ur English Language


To use the letter FCUK in better ways and to get a hang of FCUK

Once a Fcuker met a Fcuker in a Fcuking Train

Than the Fcuker asked the Fcuker , What was his Name

Than the Fcuker told the Fcuker , XXXXXER was his name

Than the Fcuker Fcuked the Fcuker in the Fcuking Train !

Mika wth Rakhi s.


Once a Mika went to Red light are.

There he found Rakhi S., heasked the rates R.S. forwarded him a menu. It was as under :-


1 shot on bed-100 RS

1shot on sofa set -50 RS

1shot on chair-30 RS

1shot on grass -10 RS

After having a look at menu ,

Mika gave her 50 RS..

She answered

you want to XXXXX me on sofa set. you are a 'Man of class'....


Mika replied no

'Five times on Grass'

Ye to kuch bhi nahee


Ek Sardarji balcony me with out shirt khade hai. Ek aadmi kehtaa hai
Sardaji kya mast body banaayi hai to sardarji kehte hia
ye to kuch bhi nahee hai aakar apni bhabi ke dekh aur zabardast hai

SUNO GOR SE DUNIYA WALO,


" TRAIN KI PATRI PE MAT HUGAAA (TOILET) KARO,

TRAIN AAYEGY GA....D CUT JAYGI,

ABHI TOH HAATH SE GA....D DHOTE HO,

PHIR GA.........D SE HAATH DHO BAITHOGE"

SAMJEY

gentleman

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!

A doctor

A doctor was having an affair with his Italian-born nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know when the baby is born?" she asked.

He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back.

I'll take care of all the child's expenses."

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."

The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home, and I will explain it to you."

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked her what she thought might have caused the cardiac arrest. The wife picked up the card and read it to him: "Four Spaghettis: Two with sausage and meatballs, two

It's two thirty

An elderly gentleman was telling his friend about his new hearing aid. He said, "This hearing aid is so good that I can hear a pin drop to the floor 60 feet away."
The friend said, "What kind is it?'
The old man looked at his watch and said, "It's two thirty.

psychiatrist

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go.

A worried passenger

A worried passenger: Do the ship of this size sink often.
Captain of the ship: No madam, not more than once.

ek ladki apna vajan tol rahi thi-58 kg

sandal utare -56kg

jacket utari -56kg

duptta -52 kg

sikke khatm !piche khada bhkhari bola-tu kaam chalu rakh sikke me dalta hoon!

 

Full form of "CAPSTAN"

The full form of abreviated word "CAPSTAN"

Can A Person Shoot Threice A Night

Reverse way "No After The Second XXXXX Automatically Collapses"

laal kyu hai

ek ladkaa apni maa ko paani nahaate huve dekhtaa hai

vo apne dost se poochtaa hai meri maa ki .. itnee laal kyu hai

dost zor se chaata lagaata hai uskaa gaal hojaataa hai aur kehtaa hai teraa

ek baaar maarne se itnaa laal hogayaa to teri maa kaa kya haal h otaa hongaa

Whisky is risky


Man to women: Kya mein aapke leya whisky serve karoo?

Women: No, whisky meri tango ke leya kharab hai.

Man: Oh no kya whisky pene ke baad aapki tange soojh jati hai.

women: Nahi voh faail jati hai

AIDS

Ek baar ek ladka U.S jata hai aur use AIDS ho jata hai.Woh apni maa ko phone karta hai aur use sab batata hai.

Ladka- maa mujhe AIDS hua hai,Kya mein ghar aa jau.

Maa-nehi beta tu ghar mat aa.

Ladka-Aakhir Kyun maa,mein ghar Kyun nehi aa sakta

Maa- dekh beta agar tu ghar aya, to tujse tere behen ko AIDS hogi , Tere behen se tere baap ko AIDS hoga , tere baap se mujhe AIDS hoga , Mujse tere chacha ko AIDS hoga , Tere chacha se tere chachi ko AIDS hogi aur teri chachi se pure mohelley ko AIDS hoga

SACH BAAT

EK BAR EK LADKA AUR LADKI SEX KAR RAHE THE THABI LADKE NE KAHA SHADI KER LE,
LADKI NE KAHA MAJDOOR HO MAJDOORI KARO ,FACTORY KE MALIK BANANE KI KOSHIS MAT KARO.

Rain

Sardar ji had a big house and nice lawns. He felt that his gardener is not working properly and sitting all the time.

Sardar ji: "Kyu re, aisa hi baita rahega ya garden mein paani bi marega?

Maali: "Sahab, subah se bahut baarish ho rahi hain"

Sardar ji: "Oye, tho chatri pakad kar paani maar naa..."

Choti

Ekbar ek train main ek Sardar our ek pandit ja rahe thhe achanak sardar pandit ka Choti dekhke bola yea kya hai bal ki dukan.
Pandit bola yea satelite antena hai jise hum iswar ke bat sunte hai.
Sardar ko gussa aa gaya wo apni pagdi khol ke uska lamba bal dikha ke bola to phir humko sunai ku nahi deta hai.
Phir pandit bola iswar ke bat antina se ata to hai lakin tumhare Dadhi se earthing ho ke nikal jata hai....

Hare RAM Hare KRISHANA

Sir says - What is d color of Ram & Krishana ?

Sardar - They are both r Green in color..

Sir - How ?.............


Sardar - bcoz all says that ..... Hare Ram & Hare Krishana...

Advice


"What sort of coach The eager young batsman had just scored yet another duck and was apologising to the captain. 'I think I could do with some advice. What sort of coach would you recommend?' 'A long distance one.'"

Indian Cricket Team

"Indian Cricket Team.... Batsman-bowler sat on the ball. Batsman-bowler had a great fall, All the bookies' cookies, All the bribers' men, Couldn't put Indian cricket together again. "

Lost Ball


"The boys were playing cricket in the garden and were using a shiny new ball. 'Where did you get the ball?' asked father. 'We found it.' 'Are you sure it was lost?' 'Of course it was lost. We saw them looking for it.' "

Cricket Job

"The cricketer was visiting the psychiatrist. Cricketer: 'It's terrible. I can't score runs, I'm a terrible bowler, and I can't hold a catch. What can l do? Doctor: 'Get another job.' Cricketer: 'I can't. I'm playing for India tomorrow !"

Wake Up!!

"The game was drifting off into total boredom, when a man in the crowd suddenly burst into a round of applause. The man next to him said 'Why did you do that?' 'Sorry' he replied 'I was trying to keep myself awake!'"

All Out..

The toothless victim was emerging from the anaesthetic. As he came to his senses, he saw the dentist packing up to go to lord's for the afternoon. 'Not a bad morning's work, eh?' said the dentist, cheekily. 'All out before lunch!'

Test Match week


Boss (to liftman): 'Mr Batt is feeling ill. Would you be so kind as to escort him home?'
Liftman: 'Certainly, sir. Anything else?'
Boss: 'Yes. As this is Test Match week, deliver him and get a receipt!'

Son:'Can I play cricket with the boys in the street?'
Dad:'No. They swear too much.'
Son:'But you play with them.'
Dad:'I swear already.'

Advice To captain

"The wicket-keeper had a high opinion of himself and was very free with his advice to the captain. 'You know,' he said, 'You've picked two men who should never be in the side.' 'Oh really,' said the captain icily, 'and who's the other one?' "

Harbhajan had first night. he asked his wife'is it first time for you?' she replied 'spinnerki evedina opening istara?...

Cricket explained

You have two sides one out in the field and one in.
Each man that's in the side that's in goes out and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out.
When they are all out the side that's out comes in and the side that's been in goes out and tries to get those coming in out.
Sometimes you get men still in and not out.
When both sides have been in and out including the not outs, THAT'S THE END OF THE GAME !
HOWZAT !!!!!

The cricketer and the psychiatrist

The cricketer was visiting the psychiatrist.
Cricketer: 'It's terrible. I can't score runs, I'm a terrible bowler, and I can't hold a catch. What can l do?
Doctor: 'Get another job.'
Cricketer: 'I can't. I'm playing for England tomorrow!'

Devils versus Angels cricket match

The Devils challenged the Angels to a game of cricket.
"But we've got all the cricketers," said the Angels.
"Yes. But we've got all the umpires!" exclaimed The Devils.

Friend: Why did you hit your husband with a chair?"
Wife: "I couldn't lift the table."
_________________________________________________

What did one ghost say to another?
"Do you believe in people?"
_________________________________________________

"Room Service,Can you send up a towel?"
" Please wait someone else is using it."
_________________________________________________

When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.
_________________________________________________

I went alone on our honeymoon. My wife had already seen Niagara Falls .
_________________________________________________

But the psychiatrist really helped me a lot. I would never answer the phone, because I was afraid. Now I answer it whether it rings or not.
_________________________________________________


It was love at first sight. Then I took a second look !!
_________________________________________________

"Look, guide, here are some lion tracks."
"Good. You see where they go and I'll find out where they came from."

"Are they relative of yours ?


"A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, 'Are they relatives of yours?' 'Yes,' his wife replied. 'I married into the family.' "

"Fighting With the Devil "

"It was testimony night in the church. A lady got up and said, ""We are living in a wicked land where sin is on every hand. I have had a terrible fight with the old devil all week."" Whereupon her husband, who was sitting glumly by her side said, ""It's not all my fault either; she's tough to get along with.

Friend For Dinner


"""Honey,"" said this husband to his wife, ""I invited a friend home for supper."" ""What?... Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"" ""I know all that."" ""Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"" ""Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."" "

Good Reason


"A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drive his prize possession...even to the grocery store which was a few blocks from the house. After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed, ""Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age!"" "

Good Relationship


"""Mary,"" asked Dawn thoughtfully one day, ""what would you do if you caught your husband with another woman?"" ""Another woman with MY husband?"" Mary thought it over. ""Let's see; I'd break her cane, shoot her guide dog, and call a cab to take her back to the institution she escaped from."" "

House Calls


"Old Dr. Carver still made house calls. One afternoon he was called to the Tuttle house. Mrs. Tuttle was in terrible pain. The doctor came out of the bedroom a minute after he'd gone in and asked Mr. Tuttle, ""Do you have a hammer?"" A puzzled Mr. Tuttle went to the garage, and returned with a hammer. The doctor thanked him and went back into the bedroom. A moment later, he came out and asked, ""Do you have a chisel?"" Mr. Tuttle complied with the request. In the next ten minutes, Dr. Carver asked for and received a pair of pliers, a screwdriver, and a hacksaw. The last request got to Mr. Tuttle. He asked, ""What are you doing to my wife?"" ""Not a thing,"" replied old doc Carver. ""I can't get my instrument bag open."" "

Husband and the Genie


"There was a guy who just got out of a really bad divorce with his wife. One day, he found a genie's lamp. The genie came out and said,"" Hello master. I will grant you three wishes but, what ever you wish for your wife gets double."" The guy didn't like that part but he made a wish anyway. For his first wish, he said, ""Genie, I want a house in Hawaii."" POOF!!! He got one house, his wife got two. This didn't make him happy but, he made his second wish. ""Genie,I want 2 billion dollars."" POOF! He got two billion, his wife four billion. By now, this guy isn't very happy. The genie says,""You have one wish left. I have to remind you, what ever you wish for your wife gets double."" The guy says,"" Yeah, yeah.I know."" So the guy thinks real hard and says "" I got it! Genie, beat me half to death!!"" "

New Wife


"A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the woman asked, ""Honey, if I died would you get married again?"" The man said, ""No dear."" The women said, ""I'm sure you would."" So the man said, ""Okay, I would"" Then the women asked, ""Would you let her sleep in our bed?"" And the man replied, ""Ya, I guess so."" Then the women asked, ""Would you let her use my golf clubs?"" And the man replied, ""No, she's left handed."" "

Bollywood gossip



If there are 2 heroes in a movie, they will fight each other savagely for at least 5 minutes (10 min if they are brothers).
In a chase, the hero will always overtake the villain, even on a bullock-cart, or on foot.
When the villain fires at the hero, he will always miss (unless the hero is required to die).


When the hero fires at the villain(s), he will never
a) Miss
a) Run out of bullets.


Any fight sequence shall take place in the vicinity of a stack of
a) Pots
a) Barrels
a) Glass bottles, which will be smashed to pieces.

Bollywood bloppers

Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gam bloopers!

1) Amitabh is using the Nokia communicator in 1992 whereas Nokia itself launched it from 1998 onwards. May be he is a secret test dummy for Nokia!
2) Amitabh singing "aye kya bolti tu" in Diwali of 1992 whereas the song was released in 1997 in the movie Ghulam. Guess he has esp.
3) But the mother of all Flaws in the Movie K3G is when Hrithik is kid he has 10 fingers...when he grows up he has Eleven
4) Last ball of the cricket match. 1 ball and 6 runs needed. Guess what, the ball is shining and unused!!
5) The fatso 'Laddu' turns into Hrithik 10 years later, however Shahrukh, Kajol, Dadi, Nani and Johny Lever are the same after 10 years!!

Cat crosses

if a cat crosses you when you are going somewhere,it means.....................

?

the cat is also going somewhere.........!

Bhikari & its girlfriend

BHIKARI : Saab Rs.6 dedo coffee pina hai

MAN : Kyoun bhai 1 coffee to Rs 3 ke hai

BHIKARI : Saab sath me girlfriend be hai

MAN : Bhikari hokar be girlfriend banali

BHIKARI : Nahi saab girlfriend ne bhikari bana diya

Photosession at Bihar


"After having become the CM of Bihar, Laloo decides to pose for a picture. To show he is down to earth he decides to pose along with a herd of buffaloes and resting his elbows on the back of the cattle. He poses for the photo. Next day the photo appears on the front page of a newspaper..... GUESS THE CAPTION ""Laloo, third from left."" "

A lady are kissing a Lion in circus ring, ring master says any one can do this ............. A SARDAR says I do this But first Lion take out from circus ring......................................Ha..Ha.. Ha.....

Ekdin ek chuha tension main idher udher ghum raha tha.

Jungle ke sab animal use puche yar itna tension main ku ho.

Chuha bola..

.

.

.

.

Podosi hati ma banne wali hai our iljam mere uppar a raha hai.

A Sardar was urinating beside a car. A Foreigner said to him "
AAPKE YAHAN POLICE NAHIN PAKADHTI ?"
He replied,"NAHIN HAMAARE YAHAN KHUD PAKADHNA PADHTA HAI !"

Ideal man!!!!?

A rich lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life so she placed an ad, which read something like this:

RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE ...NEEDS TO HAVE THESE QUALIFICATIONS:

1) WON'T BEAT ME UP
2) WON'T RUN AWAY
3) HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail: none seemed to match her qualifications.

Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man with no arms and no legs lying on the welcome mat.

Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you? And what do you want?"

"Hi," he said, " your search is over, for I'm the man of your dreams. I've got no arms so I can't beat you up and no legs so I can't run away."

"Well, then," she said, "what makes you think that you're so great in bed?"

To which he replied,..... "Well, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?

Ek bar ek ladka apni aunty ke ghar gaya. Use vaha per der ho gayi. Aunti ne kaha" Tum aaj raat GUDDU ke sath so jao". Ladke ne socha ander kya sona hai bahar hi so jata hu. Subah ko ek sunder ladki use Chai ka cup dene ayi. Ladke ne pucha " aap kaun"?? Ladki boli " Mein GUDDU". Ladki- "Aap kaun"? Ladka-"Mein FUDDU"

ONCE IN A JUNGLE FEW MALE ELEPHANTS WERE STANDING. A FEMALE ELEPHANT PASSES NEAR BY THEM. SUDDENLY A MALE LOAFER ELEPHANT COMMENTS

WOW!!!! 36,000  24,000 36,000

We all know that Videocon washing machines are in great demand even today. Videocon washing machines made its entry in 1988( I am not sure wether 1988 or 1989.) Whatever it may be, Newspapers were reporting record breaking sales of Videocon washing machines in Punjab. People who read that article were surprised, Arrey  why such record breaking sales in Punjab ? Why not in other states ? Videocon sent some officials to Punjab inorder to find out..................LOH... BEHOLD..............Majority of machines were used to churn LASSI.  The rotation of the pulsator was good enuf to make LASSI. The officials of Videocon fell out of their chairs right on to the floor bursting in laughter.

Wife asked the Husband : Darling, can we change our positions to night ?

The overwhelmed Husband immediately replied :

Sure, Honey, I will lay down on the sofe before the TV and you stand by the side of the ironing table.

Sardar JI

sardarji got a sms from his girl friend

" I MISS YOU"

 Sardarji replied......

"I Mr YOU "..............!

The Door Bell One night a guy dropped his girlfriend at her home. As they were about to wish each other goodnight at the front door, the guy started feeling a little in the mood. With an air of confidence, he leaned with his hand against the wall and smiling, he said to her "Honey, would you give me a kiss?" Horrified, she replied, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!" "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asked grinning at her. "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?" "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!". "No way, it's just too risky!" "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?". "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!". "Oh yes you can. Please?" "No, no. I just can't" "I'm begging you ... " Out of the blue, the light on the stairs went on, and The girl's elder sister showed up in her pajamas, hair dishevelled, And in a sleepy voice she said, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss, or I can do it. Or if need Be, mom says she can come down herself and do it, but for God's sake and all of ours.... TELL HIM TO TAKE HIS HAND OFF THE DOOR BELL ........

Full form of "CAPSTAN"

The full form of abreviated word "CAPSTAN"

Can A Person Shoot Threice A Night

Reverse way "No After The Second XXXXX Automatically Collapses"

hoosnaa pasand hai

ek bar ek ladka ek ladki ko paani nahaate huve dekhtaa hai

uski .. bahut laal rehti hai. vo apne dost se poochtaa hai vo itni laal kyu hai.

uskaa dost usko zor se chaata lagaa ta hai aur kehtaa hai tujhe ek baar maarne se itnaa laal huvaa hai

usko kitno ne maara hogaa?

sms jokes

when a man holds a women's hand before marriage ,it is love ,after marriage it is seld-defence

yamraj joke

yamraj: ur time is over

Girl: is there any way to escape?

yamraj: if u can kiss d the person who is rerading this mgs

girl : chee.....yack.... thu.......better i prefer die..........

soldier

During War , Enemy soldier surrounded 3 nuns, he removed his pants , young nun pleaded - " PLS SPARE THE OLDER NUN."

Older Nun - " SHUT UP ! WAR IS WAR"

PHONE

now hutch is vodaphone...

in future BSNL will be Bondaphone,

Aircel will be purifone

Airtel will be idlifone,

and your Phone will be Dabbaphone....

 

java

do u know guys y java lecturers dont give homeworks?...




because its a rule that every java program

must be wirttien inside the class.........

weight machine

hi

hi

hi

cool night.

once upon a time on sunday evening

jayalalitha went airport urgently..

and checked her weight ........

the weight machine answered ...!...

all the passengers are request to come one by one

Jayalalitha : ??????

laptop

who was the first person to have a LAPTOP

GUESS........................

ITS Lord Shiva

Parvathi on LAPand Ganga on TOP!.....

SHAMBO SIVA SHANKARA.................!

interview

Ek aadmi interview dene gaya. boos ne uski file dekhkar kush huaa.

boss ne kaha ---- job to mil jayge . tum kya loge?

sir mujhe one lakh monthly, eak car , aur eak makan.

boss ne kaha,mai tumhe do lakh monthly, do car aur do makan doonga.

aadmi ne kaha- boss majak to nahi kar rahe ho?

boss ne kaha -- pehle kisne kiya.........

numericals

I said one, one - She said fun, fun.

I said two, two - She said do. do

I said three, three - She said free, free.

I said four, four - She said more, more.

I said five, five - She said dive, dive.

I said six, six - She said fix, fix.

I said seven, seven - She said heaven, heaven.

I said eight, eight - She said tight, tight.

I said nine, nine - She said fine, fine.

I said ten, ten - She said done, done.

Story about Story.

At the age of 8 - You need to tell her a story at bed.

At the age of 18 - You need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At the age of 28 - You need not tell her any story to take her to bed.

At the age of 38 - She will tell you a story to go to bed.

At the age of 48 - You need to tell her a story for not going to bed with her.

At the age of 58 - If you go to bed with her, it will be a story.

Suicide

There are two ways to commit 'suicide'.

1. Take a long rope. Tie it around your neck and hang your self.

2. Take a small rope. Tie it around the neck of a girl and marry her.

Relationship Mathematics.

Smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance.

Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Affair

Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Marriage.

The Secret Of Success

Adam and Eve must have had a great marriage.

Adam couldn't talk about his mother's cooking, and

Eve could't mention all the men she could/should have married.

Nonveg dinner

Boy goes out to play with his friends. Shortly comes running to father - " Dad what does bastard mean ? ". Shocked father spontaneously replies " A priest is called a bastard ". Son goes out and returns to ask " Dad what are balls ? ". Father thinks and says " Hat is called balls ". Son goes out to return soon " What what is XXXXXing ?. Aworried father thinks and replies " Having dinner is called XXXXXing. Now son you will not go out. Sit and study." A while later the callbell rings, the son opens the door and on seeing the guest welcomes him " Hi ! Bastard come in,hang your balls on the hook, Mummy and Daddy are XXXXXing upstairs, I will just inform them.

Philosophy

recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why
my wife treats me like toxic waste. David Bissonette When a man steals your
wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. Sacha Guitry

Change!


Santa: I gave my wife 500 Rs after my first night thinking by mistake
thinking that I was in a brothel.

Ganja Sardar

duniya ka sabse chota joke

ganja sardar

Teacher & Student

"Take a pencil and paper," the teacher said, "and write an essay with the
title 'If I Were a Millionaire'"
Everyone but Philip, who leaned back with arms folded, began to write

I did not come!

Santa, who lived in 6th Floor of an apartment had invited Banta for dinner.
Unfortunately for Banta, the lift was not working. He reached Banta's home
panting.He had a surprise waiting. There was a note on the door which read "

sant & banta

Santa-Yaar, Banta aaj ghar jaake biwi ka panty utarni hai.

Banta-bade mood mein hai aaj.

Its not at allfree


a couplr with assuming as gret lovers, had their sex one day. she was a call
gal, as usual she asked money. he slaped her and said, you cheat incoming

Bill Clinton decided to 'teach' Laloo English, so he invited him over
to the US.

Laloo arrives in full grandeur. Bill announces to the nation that they
should not be disturbed during the tuition inside the Whitehouse, they
are locked up in a room, and Bill starts teaching Laloo English. Days
pass by and weeks pass by, but there is no sign of them coming out.The
whole country and its economy has come to a standstill, and press,
newsreporters from all over the world are waiting outside eagerly to
find the outcome. At last one day, the door opens, and out comes Laloo
- beaming his resplendant white smile, looking cool and unruffled.
However, Bill looks totally dazed, his clothes are torn, his hair is
completely ruffled, and he has scratch marks all over his face. The
shocked reporters ask Bill, "What happened Mr. Clinton ?" Bill replies
: "Ee babua hamar kuch bhi naahi sunat hai !"

Teacher: Tell me Five water Animals.
Boy:Fish.
Teacher: Good, But tell me the other 4.
Boy: Fish's Mother, Father, Brother, Sister..

Titanic was sinking.

An Englishman asked Santa, "How far is land"?
Santa: 2 KMs.

Englishman jumped into sea.
Englishman: Now, which direction?

Santa: Downwards !


**********

Two days of powercut in Delhi had made life miserable. Worst affected was Delhi Metro station where families of Santa & Banta were struck for 48 hrs on escalators.


**********



How did Santa tried to kill a bird??

He took it to the top of a building and dropped it from there to die.


*********

Santa: I have swallowed a Kay.

Doctor: When?

Santa: 3 months back!

Doctor: What were you doing till now?

Santa: I was using duplicate key, now I have lost it too.


*********

Santa was drawing money from ATM. Banta, who was just behind him in the line said: I've seen ur password. It's ****. Santa: U r wrong. It's 1394.

Husbund complaining

Husbund to friend: My wife is very demanding...she ask everyday for Rs 1000
Friend: Oh, but have u ever asked what she is doing with that money?
Husbund: oh , she only can answer , if i give her once!!

lady is intelligent

A blond named Barbara appeared on Who Wants to be a Millionaire. ...

Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far, $500,000 and one lifeline left--phone a friend. The next question will give you the first ever million dollars if you get it right.... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000...are you ready?"
Barbara: "Sure I'll have a go."
Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build its own nest? Is it... A-Robin, B-Sparrow, C-Cuckoo or D-Thrush Remember, Barbara, it's worth 1 million dollars."
Barbara: "Oh, gees, that's simple.... it's a cuckoo."
Regis: "You're sure? You can stick on $500,000 or play on for the million." Barbara: "I want to play; I'll go with C-Cuckoo." Regis: "Is that your final answer?" Barbara: "It is" Regis: "Are you confident?"
Barbara: "Absolutely"
Regis: "Barbara, you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo. Well....you' re right! You have just won 1 MILLION DOLLARS!!!! Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

That night Barbara calls her friend Carol and they go to a local bar for a celebration drink. As they are sipping champagne,
Carol turns to Barbara and asks, "Tell me, how in God's name did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?" "Get real!"
Barbara replies, "Everybody knows cuckoos live in clocks!"

Scared

Wife: Please Dont drive the bike so fast i'm scared. Husband: If u are scared, just close your eyes like me.

H2O

A Teacher asked to write a chemical symbol for water. A Student Wrote in his note book 'HIJKLMNO' Teacher saw that and asked, 'Why are you writing like this?' Student replied, 'Yesterday you only told that chemical symbol of water is 'H to O'(H2O)

Dan got a frantic call from his blond girlfriend.

"I've got a problem," she said.

"What's the matter?" he asked.

"Well, I bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard.
None of the pieces fit together, and I can't find any
edges."

"What's the picture of?"

"A big rooster."

"All right, " Dan said. "I'll come over and take a look."

The woman led Dan into her kitchen and showed him the
puzzle on the table.

"For Pete's sake Buffy, put the Corn Flakes back in the box!"

General jokes

Little Johnny's class was having an English lesson, and the teacher called on Little Johnny to recite a sentence with a direct object.

Little Johnny stood and thought, then said, "Teacher, everybody thinks you are very beautiful."

"Why thank you, Little Johnny," the teacher said, blushing. "But what is the direct object?"

"A good report card next month," he replied.

Scottish Girlfriend


A Scottish girlfriend is giving directions to her prospective boyfriend, who is coming to visit her.

"You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in Apartment 14A .There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow, push button 14A . Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow press 14. When you get out of the elevator, my apartment is on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell.

"Baby, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? asked the boyfriend.

"Darling, you're not coming empty handed... are you?" said the scottish girl.

Moral of the story:

Never go to ur Girl Friend's home empty handed.

What is the common between moov cream and peny ?

Dono gehraayee tak jaaye ,garmahat laaye , aaram dilaaye.

aahhhh se haaaa tak .

With love

loaded gun


Palat ke dekh a hasina hum bhee seene mein dum rakhte hai

Agar tu rakhti hai bra mein badi-badi choochian ,to hum bhee

under wear mein loaded lund rakhte hain.



 

Choot ki mahima

choot badi majboot guru

choot badi majboot

isi se niklay hathi ghode

isi se niklay oont

choot badi majboot guru

choot badi majboot

isi se niklay devi devta

isi se niklay bhoot

choot badi majboot guru

choot badi majboot

ADDIDAS


EK BAAR SACHIN TENDULKAR NANGA BAITHA HUA THA

USKE PAPU PE AIDS LIKHA THA,

EK LADKI KARIB AAYEE AUR CHILAYEE AAPKO AIDS HAI,

SACHIN BOLA CHUP KAR BHEN C............. HE SHAKE

PAPU AND FULL DISPLAYED IS" ADIDAAS"

height of innocence

what is the height of a girls innocence??

guess?????

thinking her nipple as a big "pimple"

Shaadi ke pehle

Shaadi ke pehle - Dilwale Dulhaniya LeJayenge.
Shaadi ke baad - Baaki sab Sukhi HoJayenge..
Shaadi ke pehle - chal chayya chayya,
Shaadi ke baad - ah aab laut chale...

Dekha hai?

Maine puchha chand se ki dekha hain kahi mera yaar sa hasi,chand ne kaha,Majak karta hain kya Itna upar se dikhta hain kahi.

LADKE TANG KARTE HAIN


"EK BAAR LADKIYON NE LADKO KI SHIKYAT KI,

KE JUZZ SAAB LADKE ' TANG ' KARTE HAIN,

AAKHIR LADKE THEY UNHONE BADI HI VINMARITA SE KAHA

JUZZ SAAB YEH HUM PAR SARA SAR JHOOTHA ILZAAM HAI,

"HUM TOH ' TANG ' KO 'KHULI' KARTE HAIN.

Light Dinner

"Sardar standing below a tube light with an open mouth…………….. WHY? Because his doctor advised him "Tonight's dinner should be light" "

Maa ka pyaar JOke

 

A man masturbates everyday and kept his sperms in different bottles. One day a friend comes and asks, what are all these bottles?

Man: YEH SAB MERE BACHCHE HAIN, JINKO MAA KA PYAAR NAHI MILA

 

Two assholes JOke

Doctor: How can you say that Aparna has two holes in her ass?

rajesh: Whenever I and Ramesh go with her to any party, people say, HERE COMES Aparna WITH TWO ASSHOLES

 

Agar mein BRA hota JOke

Boy: Agar mein BRA hota, toh tere BOOBS se chipka rehta

Girl: Maadarchot, mein kisi aur se dabwa rahi hoti, aur tu khidki pe latka hota

Non veg jokes

	Middle Stump Joke Cricket ke middle stump aur aadmi ke middle stump mein kya farak hai? Answer: Ek hari ghaas mein khada rehta hai, aur doosra KALE GHAAS MEIN PADA REHTA HAI   CURIOUS HUSBAND Joke    Lady after delivering baby was getting some stitches. The curious husband peeping through the window knocked and asked shyly: Doctor, Pura toh nahi siloge na?

Table se Gir Gaya.....

	Pappu entered in class having a PLASTER on his right arm. TEACHER: Pappu , What to your arm? PAPPU:  Sir, actually yesterday fell from LOG TABLE.

mirchmasalla by surya

	ek sardar 1st april ko bus me chardha ticket checker bola ticket sardar dus rupayee diyee or bola oyee ye dekh mare pass to bus pass hai maine april full banaya ha ha ha

Hare RAM Hare KRISHANA

	Sir says - What is d color of Ram & Krishana ? Sardar - They are both r Green in color.. Sir - How ?.............   Sardar - bcoz all says that ..... Hare Ram & Hare Krishana...

I DON'T CARE

Ek baar chalti hui BUS me kuchh TERRORRIST ghus aaye. Bandook taan kar bole ,"Jiske paas jo kuch bhe ho, jalad se jald nikaal de, VARNA ! ! !" "VARNA kya ? goli maroge", kisi musaphir ne puchha. " Goli ! ! hhh.. goli nahi, mere paas AIDS ka tika hai,jo nahi maana ,tika laga denge. Saalo saari umar pachhtayoge"Atankwadi bola. Sabi ne jalad se jald sub kuch atankvadiyon k saamne dher kar diya. Magar ek SARDAR G na hile.Ade rahe.Bole-main nahi darta, PUNJABI PUTTAR hoo, kisi se nahi darta. Sabhi ne bahut samjhaya k sardarG AIDS ho gayee to jaan se 100% hath dho loge. Magar SARDAR G na maane. ATANKVADIYON ne SARDAR G k tika laga diya.Aur samaan le k furrr ho gaye. MUSAFIR:-"Are SARDAR G ! !kya aap ne kuchh paiso ki khatir jaan gawa li." SARDAR:Aoye main nahi darta. MUSAFIR:Are aap kyon nahi darte? Sardar apne PAYJAAMA utarta hai aou bolta hai"Ye dekho maine pahle se NIROD pahan rakha hai."

85

	There was the 85 year old woman who found her husband in bed with another woman. She was so enraged that she dragged him to the balcony of their high-rise apartment and pushed him to his death. When she appeared in court, the judge asked if she had anything to say in her own defense. "Well Your Honor," she replied, "I figured if at 92 he he could make love, he could fly too."

MAMLA Rs.3000/- DA

"ONCE SARDAAR GOES TO PROSTITUDE "RITA"         RITA MEET HER & SAYS IF U WANA SEX WITH ME ONCE A TIME DOING SEX RATE IS Rs.1000.00 SARDAR: NO OBJECTION AFTER HE DID SEX HE GAVE Rs.1000.00 & GONE. NEXT DAY HE CAME AGAIN AND DO ONCE AGAIN SEX AND GIVEN Rs.1000.00 AND THIRD DAY HE CAME AGAIN DID SEX WITH RITA & GIVEN HER Rs.1000.00 & & & &  & &  & & & & SARDAR SAYS TO RITA  I M FROM DELHI WHERE UR SISTER IS LIVING AND SHE GIVING ME THREE THOUSAND AND SHE SAID TO ME I GAVE U THIS AMOUNT.

Rain

	This man and a Bengali were walking down the street when the clouds opened up and a tremendous downpour commended. Man: 'Bengali babu, put up your damned umbrella, man, it's raining!'   'Bengali babu:'I can't. It's got holes in it.' 'Holes in it?   Man:Then why did you bring it with you?'   'Bengali babuL: 'I didn't think it would rain.'

Yamraj joke

	yamraj: ur time is over Girl: is there any way to escape? yamraj: if u can kiss d the person who is reading this mgs girl : chee.....yack.... thu.......better i prefer die..........

sms jokes

	when a man holds a women's hand before marriage ,it is love ,after marriage it is seld-defence

soldier

	During War , Enemy soldier surrounded 3 nuns, he removed his pants , young nun pleaded - " PLS SPARE THE OLDER NUN." Older Nun - " SHUT UP ! WAR IS WAR"

Sardar Plan 

 

" There is a group of 7 Sardars who plan to meet their old friend the Principal Zail Singh The Sardars decide to take a taxi. The taxi driver takes them to Rashtrapati Bhavan. The meter shows Rs. 28/-, so the taxi driver says, "You have to pay me Rs. 28/-." Now, the Sardars have to share the cost among themselves and so they decide to divide the total (Rs. 28/-) by the number of people, i.e. 7. This is how they do the calculation to arrive at the answer: ____ 7 | 28 = 13 ( 7 x 1 = 7, 7 x 3 = 21 ). 7 – 21 21 – 0 – The driver is exceedingly happy upon receiving Rs. 13/- from each of the Sardars. He thanks them profusely and the feeling of happiness is writtern on his face as he leaves them and proceeds his way. Seeing this, the Sardars feel that they may have made a mistake. They decide to ask Zail Singh about it. After all, the fellow was the Principal of the nation! They ask Zail Singh to check their calculation of the taxi fare. Zail Singh ponders over the calculations and finally says, "See, I am not good at division. The process just boggles me but addition is something I am an expert at. Let us add all the amounts you guys gave to the taxi driver and check the result. This is how I do for those tax forms I get very often. The process is slow but is sure." The other sardars nod their heads (?) in appreciation. The Principal writes as shown below and also explains as he writes on: 13 13 13 13 13 13 13 – 28 – i.e. 3+3+3+3+3+3+ 3= 21 and 21+1+1+1+1+1+ 1+1=28 so this checks out. He then says, "Yes, it's correct. But I can also call my close friend and Finance man Banta Singh. Banta Singh arrives, and when told of the problem, he replies that he doesn't think it is a bad deal but says, "No problem! I will verify it via mathematical computation. I'll verify it with multiplication. That is the best technique for this, you see!" While others watch in admiration, Banta Singh goes on to write as shown: 13 x7 — (7*3=21 ,7*1=7 so 21+7=28) 21 + 7 – 28 This checks out as well. – Then he says, "This is really fine. There should be no problem, Principal Sahab. After all, it is correct in all the methods." "

Photosession at Bihar

"After having become the CM of Bihar, Laloo decides to pose for a picture. To show he is down to earth he decides to pose along with a herd of buffaloes and resting his elbows on the back of the cattle. He poses for the photo. Next day the photo appears on the front page of a newspaper..... GUESS THE CAPTION ""Laloo, third from left."" "

Business Development in Biihar

"Laloo Prasad Yadav was hosting a Japanese Delegation for Business Development in Bihar. The Japanese Embassy was quite impressed with Bihar and he stated, ""Bihar is an excellent state. Give us three years and we will turn it into an economic superpower like Japan."" Laloo was very surprised. ""You Japanese are very inefficient,"" he stated ""Give me three days and I will turn Japan into Bihar."""

Remove last coach A commission on Railway accidents reported to laloo that the accidents are happened during last coach.Laloo declared immidiatly that remove the last coaches of train then only the problems could solved. Removed all the last coaches of train ultimatly they found engine only.

Birthday For his birthday, Little Johnny asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd love to give you one, but the mortgage on this house is 80,000 and so there's no way we can afford it." The next day the father saw Little Johnny heading out the door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Johnny told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell mom you were pulling out. I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm sticking around here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no means of transportation.