GOOD GIRLS VS. BAD GIRLS



Good girls blush during love scenes in a movie. Bad girls know they could do it better.

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot. Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it. Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.

Good girls pack their toothbrush. Bad girls pack their diaphragms.

Good girls prefer the missionary position. Bad girls do too, but only for starters.

Good girls say, "No." Bad girls say, "When?"

Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls. Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.

Good girls wax their floors. Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

Good girls wear high heels to work. Bad girls wear high heels to bed.

After less than a year of marriage, this lady was becoming more and more frustrated.

Her husband worked very long hours and was no longer interested in Bonking.

Plucking up her courage, and with a few stiff drinks inside her, she visited a sex shop.

"Hello, I'm very embarrassed about this. My husband doesn't make love to me.

You sell 'Sex Dolls', I'm here because I'm interested in buying one. You know ... one with a BIG Dick - for me."

The shop assistant was taken aback. In front of him was a lady - about 22 years old, 38 DD bust and a figure he would have crawled over a kilometre of broken glass to buy a coffee for.

"Well Miss - or Madam," he took another breath. "Frankly, we don't get much call for that sort of thing. However, we do have three models in the back room."

Jane looked him directly in the eye and smiled, "Tell me about them!"

"Well," the man replied, "I'm sure you won't like our first model. It's called 'The Soccer Player'.

Don't get me wrong; it's very nice. Powerful legs, cute butt - but it does tend to 'dribble' a lot."

Jane wasn't exactly delighted about this, "Well, No. Not interested in that! What else you've you got?"

"Well, " came the reply, "We also have The Aussie Cricketer. Listen, I must me fair with you. This is a great model, big ... well, Ummm huge, in the right places, but ... "

"Yes !?!" gulped Jane, with eyes like dinner plates.

"Once it's in - It's almost impossible to get it out. Frankly, we've only sold two of these in the last four years"

"Don't want THAT," replied Jane. "You said you have three models. What's left?"

"I hesitate to even talk about this," answered the shop assistant. "It's called 'The Santa Claus' Model."

"What do you mean, The Santa Claus model?" replied Jane.

"Well," answered the shop assistant. He took a deep breath. "This model only comes once a year and when it does - it fills up BOTH your stockings !"

Eagles mate for life, so this near-sighted eagle goes out to look for a mate. He finds a Dove.

They go back to his nest and they make love.

It was fantastic sex but all night long this dove says, "I'm a dove, let's make love. I'm a dove, let's make love."

Well the eagle just can't take this for the rest of his life so next morning he kicks her out of his nest.

Then on for the quest of another mate. He runs into a wren.

He takes her back to his nest and makes love to her.

Again fantastic sex but all night long this wren says, "I'm a wren let's do it again. I'm a wren let's do it again."

Well the eagle is getting really irritated so next morning he kicks her out of the nest....

Being very cautious (he thinks) he goes out to look for another mate...

He finds the perfect mate… a Duck.

So again he takes her to his nest and makes love to her.

You'll never guess what this duck said all night long...???!!!???

"I'm a drake you made a mistake. I'm a drake you made a mistake."

(A drake being a male duck!)

A woman is very distressed because she has not been married very long and yet her husband has lost interest in sex.

So she goes to see her doctor and relays the problem.

The doctor doesn't seem worried at all and tells her that it is nothing serious and her husband has merely lost his animal instincts.

The doctor tells her to crumble some dog biscuits on her husband's cereal every morning without telling him, and little by little this will bring out the savage beast in him.

He wishes her good luck and tells her to come back in a week with a progress report.

A week later the woman returns to the doctor, who asks how her husband is.

"He's dead," she replies.

"Dead?" the doctor asked.

"Yes. He was sitting in the driveway licking his balls, and I backed over him with the car."

A fellow is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products.

At the first stop, he`s shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples.

The machine makes a loud hiss-pop! noise.

"The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide.

"The popping sound is a needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."
Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured.

The machine makes a noise: `Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop!`

"Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the `hiss, hiss,` is, but what`s that `pop!` every so often?"

"Oh, it`s just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."

"Well, that can`t be good for the condoms!"

"Yeah, but it`s great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"

MAGIC TRICK



Two men in a sauna. The first one says to the second one, "Do you want to see a magic trick?"

Second guy says, "Sure."

"OK. Face away from me and get down on your hands and knees."

Second guy turns around and gets down on all fours.

"There," says the first one, "... does that feel like you've got a thumb up your ass?"

"Yes!"

The first guy waves both of his hands in the air, "Magic!"

THE CELIBACY TEST



Three young candidates for the priesthood are told by the Monsignor they have to pass one more test: The Celibacy Test. The Monsignor leads them into a room, and tells them to undress, and a small bell is tied to each man's penis.

In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly-dancer costume. She begins to dance sensually around the first candidate. Even before she has begun to remove her veils: *Ting-a-ling* goes the little bell...

"Oh Patrick," says the Monsignor, "I am so disappointed in your complete lack of self-control. Go take a long, cold shower and pray about your carnal weakness."

As Patrick leaves, the dancer then continues, slowly dancing around the second candidate and peeling off her layers of veils. As the last veil drops: *Ting-a-ling* goes the bell...

"Joseph, Joseph," sighs the Monsignor. "You too are unable to withstand your carnal desires. Go take a long, cold shower and pray for forgiveness."

The dancer then proceeds to dance her sensuous dance around the third candidate. Slowly around him she dances, now devoid of all of her veils, but the third candidate remains unmoved.

"James, my son, I am truly proud of you," says the Monsignor. "Only you have the true strength of character needed to become a great priest. Now, go and join your weaker brethren in the shower."

*Ting-a-ling* goes the bell...

THE GREAT DATE



These three teenage girls were roommates. One Friday night right after the semester started they all had all gone out on dates, and by chance all came home at about the same time.

The first one came in and said with a smug look on her face, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up."

The second one laughed at her and said, "No, no, that's nothing! You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared."

The third one sat quiet with a blank stare on her face and didn't say a thing for a few minutes. Then she reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck with a loud thud!

She said, "Now THAT'S a good date!!"

HE 10 MOST IMPORTANT PEOPLE IN A WOMAN'S LIFE



10) The Doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes."

9) The Dentist because he says, "Open Wide."

8) The Hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown."

7) The Milkman because he says, "Do you want it in front or in back?"

6) The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it."

5) The Banker because he says, "If you take it out to soon, you'll lose interest."

4) The Police Officer because he says, "Spread 'em."

3) The Mailman because he always delivers his package.

2) The Pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.

1) The Hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.

TOILET PAPER



A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were walking along the beach. A seagull flies over and craps all over the blonde.

The brunette says in a disgusted voice, "Hang on the bathroom is just up the hill, I'll go get some toilet paper."

After she leaves the blonde begins to laugh.

The redhead says, "What's so funny?"

The blonde says, "Well, blondes are supposed to be so dumb and look at her. By the time she gets back with that toilet paper that seagull will be miles away!"

BLONDE BANKING



A blonde girl in tears came running to her father.

"What's the matter?" asked the father.

"You gave me some bad financial advise," she said.

"I did? What did I tell you?"

"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble."

"What are you talking about, that's one of the largest banks in the world," he said. "Surely there must be some mistake."

"I don't think so," said the blonde girl. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'No Funds'."

BLONDE NUN



One night a blond nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.

"My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish," said God.

"Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me. I am content in all ways," said the nun.

"There must be something you would have of me," said God.

"Well, there is one thing," she said.

"Just name it," said God.

"It's those blonde jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blonde jokes to stop."

"Consider it done," said God. Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you."

"There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time," said the nun.

"Name it. Please," said God.

"It's the M&M's," said the blonde nun. "They're so hard to peel."

TRAIN TRACKS



There was a brunette jumping from rail to rail on a train track saying, "21-21-21-21..."

A blonde comes along and asks the brunette what she is doing. The brunette didn't answer.

So the blonde decided to jump from rail to rail saying, "21-21-21-21..." also.

Suddenly a large train honking its horn comes along. The brunette jumps off but the blonde stayed on and got killed by the train.

After the train passed by, the brunette jumps back on the tracks saying, "22-22-22-22..."

STOLEN MERCEDES



Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite sporting goods store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular sales woman.

Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily greeted him. But he requested to look around alone today before he needed her help. She obliged and let him do his thing.

Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, "Oscar! Oscar! I just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!"

"Dear God! Did you try to stop him?"

"No," the blonde said, "I did better than that! I got the license plate number!"

"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"

"Look," the blonde says, "Nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it . . ."


The blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses. The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye.

The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor in disgust took a paper sack with a hole to see through, and put it on her head to cover up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters.

As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face. "Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get upset about getting glasses."

"I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. The firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump into.

The firemen yell to the brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!"

The brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away. The brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.

"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!" say the firemen to the redhead.

"Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the redhead.

"No! It's brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with redheads!"

"Ok," says the redhead and she jumps.

SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.

Finally, the blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell, "Jump! You have to jump!"

"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the blonde.

A young blonde was having problems with her first case of hemorrhoids. With all the burning, itching and swelling she didn't know what to do.

She calls her older blonde friend and says, "I'm itching, burning and it's swollen - what can I do?"

The older blonde says, "You have hemorrhoids. I'll go down to the pharmacy and get you some Preparation H; that will take care of your swelling and itching. You just set still."

After about an hour the young blonde was itching and burning more and more.

The older blonde delivers the Preparation H and tells the young blonde, "Take this and you will be better in about an hour. I'll call and check up on you in a couple of hours."

The young blonde, not reading the directions, rips open the box and swallows the whole tube, thinking this is the worst taste she has ever ran across her lips. She tries to spit it out but has no luck.

The phone rings and she answers, "Ssssswwwellooooo."

It's the older blonde. She asks, "So, how are your hemorrhoids??"

The young blonde replies, "They still itch and burn but I can whistle better than ever before!"