The Good, the Bad and the Ugly!
• Good: Your wife is pregnant
Bad: It's triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago
• Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer
• Good: Your son is finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you
• Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Ugly: You're in them
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Making Love To...
How can you tell if you're making love to a teacher,a nurse or an airline stewardess?
A teacher says we got to do this over and over again til we get it right.
A nurse says hold still this won't hurt a bit.
And a airline stewardness says put this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally.
How can you tell if you're making love to a teacher,a nurse or an airline stewardess?
A teacher says we got to do this over and over again til we get it right.
A nurse says hold still this won't hurt a bit.
And a airline stewardness says put this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally.
An Hour of Pleasure
The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality.
"We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"
A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"
The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality.
"We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"
A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"
After the Office Party
John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."
"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."
"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday.
John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."
"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."
"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday.
Nayee Gaadi
Ek ladki apne boyfriend ke sath nai gaadi main long drive par ja rahi thi
achanak larki kehnay lagi.....suno !
kia tum aik haath se gaddi chala saktay ho ?
kioon nahi.....ladky ne bare fakher se garden akraaii...
larki ne aahista se kaha..........
"to phir doosray haath se apni naak saaf kar lo "
Ek ladki apne boyfriend ke sath nai gaadi main long drive par ja rahi thi
achanak larki kehnay lagi.....suno !
kia tum aik haath se gaddi chala saktay ho ?
kioon nahi.....ladky ne bare fakher se garden akraaii...
larki ne aahista se kaha..........
"to phir doosray haath se apni naak saaf kar lo "
what women would do if they had a penis for a day what women would do if they had a penis for a day
10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
9. Get a blow job.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.
1. Repeat number 9......
10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
9. Get a blow job.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.
1. Repeat number 9......
Joke of the year
Ek area mein Bhai rehta hai, Chaman Bhai.. Ab uskey area mein jo bhi koi lafda hota hai to police se pehle Chaman Bhai ki adalat mein jaata hai....Ek baar Chaman Bhai ke area mein rape ho jata hai, aur jisney game bajayi hoti hai ukso pakad ke Chaman Bhai ke paas leke jatey hain... Chaman Bhai pehley to bahut shanti se, style mein, us sey baat karta hai... kuch is tarah se...
Chaman : Kya re ? Tere ko maloom nahi yeh apun ka area hai?
Mujrim : Haan maloom hai na bhai.
Chaman : Phir kaisey himmat ki rape karne ki apun ke area mein?
Mujrim : Ab kya boloon bhai, kismat kharab thi.
Chaman : Chal mere ko sub kuch sach sach bata kya aur kaisey hua?
Mujrim : Abhi kya na... Idhar naake pe apun paan khaney ke liye aaya...
Chaman : Phir ?
Murjim : Apun khade hokey paan kharela tha... aur utney mein samney wali building pe apun ki nazar gayi...
Chaman : Aage bol
Mujrim : Udhar teesrey maaley pe ek chikni khadi hui thi
Chaman : Phir kya hua ?
Mujrim : Apun ko aisa laga ke usney ishaara kiya aaney ke liye..
Chaman : Phir tuney kya kiya ?
Mujrim : Apun socha ke kuch kaam hoyenga usko.... to apun builidng ke neeche gaya
Chaman : Phir ?
Mujrim : Usney Isharey se apun ko upar bulaaya... apun seedi chadte yehich sochrela tha "Chaman Bhai ka area hai..... Lafda nahi karne ka"
Chaman : Chal fatafat aagey bol
Mujrim : Apun ne usko jaakey bola.... kya kaam hai.. kaiko ishara kiya apun ko?
Chaman : Phir ?
Mujrim : Phir kya bhai, apun ko usney ghar ke andar kheech liya
Chaman : (Excited) Phir ?
Mujrim : Apun ghar me to chala gaya lekin soch raha tha ki "Chaman Bhai ka area hai..... Lafda nahi karne ka"
Chaman : Aagey bol
Mujrim : Usney apun ka haath pakad liya
Chaman : Accha... Phir?
Mujrim : Sachchi bolta hai bhai haath pakadtey hi apun phir socha "Chaman Bhai ka area hai..... Lafda nahi karne ka
Chaman : Phir kya hua ?
Mujrim : Phir kya tha... Usney bola chikney meri pyaas bujha de
Chaman : Phir tu kya bola (Getting Excited) ?
Mujrim : Apun kya bolta, usne a! pna duppata neechey gira diya
Chaman : To phir kya hua ?
Mujrim : Apun ke dimag ki dahi ho gaya, kya mommey (boobs) they saali ke...lekin bhai phir bhi apun socha "Chaman Bhai ka area hai..... Lafda nahi karne ka"
Chaman : Phir tuney kya kiya ?
Mujrim : Apun bola ek-do kiss karega aur chala jayega..... zyada boli to body kaam karenga lekin engine nahi kholney ka.... Aakhir, "Chaman Bhai ka area hai..... Lafda nahi karne ka"
Chaman : Toh phir ?
Mujrim : Usney apun ko kheech liya.... sacchi bolta hai bhai aisi katil jawaani apun akkhi life me nahi dekha.
Chaman : Haan, woh to hai.... Tu aage bol (Starts to heat up)
Mujrim : Phir kya tha.... apun ne kiss kiya, mommey (boobs) bhi dabaya.... lekin imaan se bolta hai, soch raha tha "Chaman Bhai ka area hai..... Lafda nahi karne ka"
Chaman : Aagey bol ?
Mujrim : Phir usney apni kameez utar di
Chaman : Phir ?
Mujrim : Phir salwar, lekin apun ke dil me ekich khayal aa raha tha "Chaman Bhai ka area hai..... Lafda nahi karne ka"
Chaman : Aagey aagey ?
Mujrim : phir blouse aur chaddi saali ne sab utar di
Chaman : sahi mein?
Mujrim : phir meri pant keech li
Chaman : Accha ?
Mujrim : meri underwear mein haath dal diya
Chaman : oh !!
Mujrim : chaddi utar di meri, lekin apun phir bhi socha "Chaman Bhai k! a area hai..... Lafda nahi karne ka"
Chaman : (Getting frustrated)..
Mujrim : Phir woh haath phiraaney lagi
Chaman : (Half Boiling)
Mujrim : phir mooh ghumaaney lagi..... phir bhi apun yehi soch raha tha "Chaman Bhai ka area hai..... Lafda nahi karne ka"
Chaman: (About to blast) Aagey... aagey bol saley....
Mujrim: Chumney Chatney lagi bhaaaaiiii.....lekin bhai kasam se......main yehi soch raha tha "Chaman Bhai ka area hai..... Lafda nahi karne ka"
Chaman: Abey teri to.... Chaman Bhai Gaya Maa Ch*daney..... tu aage bol !
Mujrim : Yehich...... yehich - apun ne bhi yehi socha bhai.....aur game baja dala.!!!
Ek area mein Bhai rehta hai, Chaman Bhai.. Ab uskey area mein jo bhi koi lafda hota hai to police se pehle Chaman Bhai ki adalat mein jaata hai....Ek baar Chaman Bhai ke area mein rape ho jata hai, aur jisney game bajayi hoti hai ukso pakad ke Chaman Bhai ke paas leke jatey hain... Chaman Bhai pehley to bahut shanti se, style mein, us sey baat karta hai... kuch is tarah se...
Chaman : Kya re ? Tere ko maloom nahi yeh apun ka area hai?
Mujrim : Haan maloom hai na bhai.
Chaman : Phir kaisey himmat ki rape karne ki apun ke area mein?
Mujrim : Ab kya boloon bhai, kismat kharab thi.
Chaman : Chal mere ko sub kuch sach sach bata kya aur kaisey hua?
Mujrim : Abhi kya na... Idhar naake pe apun paan khaney ke liye aaya...
Chaman : Phir ?
Murjim : Apun khade hokey paan kharela tha... aur utney mein samney wali building pe apun ki nazar gayi...
Chaman : Aage bol
Mujrim : Udhar teesrey maaley pe ek chikni khadi hui thi
Chaman : Phir kya hua ?
Mujrim : Apun ko aisa laga ke usney ishaara kiya aaney ke liye..
Chaman : Phir tuney kya kiya ?
Mujrim : Apun socha ke kuch kaam hoyenga usko.... to apun builidng ke neeche gaya
Chaman : Phir ?
Mujrim : Usney Isharey se apun ko upar bulaaya... apun seedi chadte yehich sochrela tha "Chaman Bhai ka area hai..... Lafda nahi karne ka"
Chaman : Chal fatafat aagey bol
Mujrim : Apun ne usko jaakey bola.... kya kaam hai.. kaiko ishara kiya apun ko?
Chaman : Phir ?
Mujrim : Phir kya bhai, apun ko usney ghar ke andar kheech liya
Chaman : (Excited) Phir ?
Mujrim : Apun ghar me to chala gaya lekin soch raha tha ki "Chaman Bhai ka area hai..... Lafda nahi karne ka"
Chaman : Aagey bol
Mujrim : Usney apun ka haath pakad liya
Chaman : Accha... Phir?
Mujrim : Sachchi bolta hai bhai haath pakadtey hi apun phir socha "Chaman Bhai ka area hai..... Lafda nahi karne ka
Chaman : Phir kya hua ?
Mujrim : Phir kya tha... Usney bola chikney meri pyaas bujha de
Chaman : Phir tu kya bola (Getting Excited) ?
Mujrim : Apun kya bolta, usne a! pna duppata neechey gira diya
Chaman : To phir kya hua ?
Mujrim : Apun ke dimag ki dahi ho gaya, kya mommey (boobs) they saali ke...lekin bhai phir bhi apun socha "Chaman Bhai ka area hai..... Lafda nahi karne ka"
Chaman : Phir tuney kya kiya ?
Mujrim : Apun bola ek-do kiss karega aur chala jayega..... zyada boli to body kaam karenga lekin engine nahi kholney ka.... Aakhir, "Chaman Bhai ka area hai..... Lafda nahi karne ka"
Chaman : Toh phir ?
Mujrim : Usney apun ko kheech liya.... sacchi bolta hai bhai aisi katil jawaani apun akkhi life me nahi dekha.
Chaman : Haan, woh to hai.... Tu aage bol (Starts to heat up)
Mujrim : Phir kya tha.... apun ne kiss kiya, mommey (boobs) bhi dabaya.... lekin imaan se bolta hai, soch raha tha "Chaman Bhai ka area hai..... Lafda nahi karne ka"
Chaman : Aagey bol ?
Mujrim : Phir usney apni kameez utar di
Chaman : Phir ?
Mujrim : Phir salwar, lekin apun ke dil me ekich khayal aa raha tha "Chaman Bhai ka area hai..... Lafda nahi karne ka"
Chaman : Aagey aagey ?
Mujrim : phir blouse aur chaddi saali ne sab utar di
Chaman : sahi mein?
Mujrim : phir meri pant keech li
Chaman : Accha ?
Mujrim : meri underwear mein haath dal diya
Chaman : oh !!
Mujrim : chaddi utar di meri, lekin apun phir bhi socha "Chaman Bhai k! a area hai..... Lafda nahi karne ka"
Chaman : (Getting frustrated)..
Mujrim : Phir woh haath phiraaney lagi
Chaman : (Half Boiling)
Mujrim : phir mooh ghumaaney lagi..... phir bhi apun yehi soch raha tha "Chaman Bhai ka area hai..... Lafda nahi karne ka"
Chaman: (About to blast) Aagey... aagey bol saley....
Mujrim: Chumney Chatney lagi bhaaaaiiii.....lekin bhai kasam se......main yehi soch raha tha "Chaman Bhai ka area hai..... Lafda nahi karne ka"
Chaman: Abey teri to.... Chaman Bhai Gaya Maa Ch*daney..... tu aage bol !
Mujrim : Yehich...... yehich - apun ne bhi yehi socha bhai.....aur game baja dala.!!!
Newton's law:
Eleven Important Laws Which Great Newton Forgot to State....... .. THOUGHT
1 LAW OF QUEUE: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
2 LAW OF TELEPHONE : When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged tone.
3 LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR : After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
4 LAW OF THE WORKSHOP: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
5 LAW OF THE ALIBI: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the next morning you will have a flat tyre.( So do not lie to boss ).
6 BATH THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.
7 LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
8 LAW OF THE RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will !
9 LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
10 THEATRE RULE: People with the seats at the furthest from the aisle arrive last.
11. LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Eleven Important Laws Which Great Newton Forgot to State....... .. THOUGHT
1 LAW OF QUEUE: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
2 LAW OF TELEPHONE : When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged tone.
3 LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR : After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
4 LAW OF THE WORKSHOP: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
5 LAW OF THE ALIBI: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the next morning you will have a flat tyre.( So do not lie to boss ).
6 BATH THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.
7 LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
8 LAW OF THE RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will !
9 LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
10 THEATRE RULE: People with the seats at the furthest from the aisle arrive last.
11. LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Aishwarya Rai
After a great success of Aishwarya Rai's movie Bride & Prejudice all over the world, Indian government wanted a special postage stamp with her picture on it to recognize her. Government stress that it should be world class. The stamps were released, and Indian Government & Aishwarya Rai both were pleased. But within a couple of days, began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and became furious. Indian Government ordered CBI to investigate the matter. CBI checked out at several post offices, and then reported to the Government Officials that: "The stamp is really world class. The problem is, all the peoples are licking on the wrong side of the stamp."
After a great success of Aishwarya Rai's movie Bride & Prejudice all over the world, Indian government wanted a special postage stamp with her picture on it to recognize her. Government stress that it should be world class. The stamps were released, and Indian Government & Aishwarya Rai both were pleased. But within a couple of days, began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and became furious. Indian Government ordered CBI to investigate the matter. CBI checked out at several post offices, and then reported to the Government Officials that: "The stamp is really world class. The problem is, all the peoples are licking on the wrong side of the stamp."
GIRL: I have commited a great sin.
I called my boyfriend a Madarchod.
PSYCHIATRIST: Well now, that is not a nice thing to call anyone, so what did he do to deserve that?
GIRL: Well, he kissed me.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
GIRL: Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a Madarchod.
GIRL: But, he put his hand inside my blouse.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean......like this?
GIRL: Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a Madarchod.
GIRL: But, he took my clothes off.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean.....like this?
GIRL: Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a Madarchod..
GIRL: But, he had sex with me!
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean........like this?
GIRL: Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a Madarchod either.
GIRL: But, he told me he had AIDS.
PSYCHIATRIST: YOU Madarchod.!!!!!!!!!!!!
I called my boyfriend a Madarchod.
PSYCHIATRIST: Well now, that is not a nice thing to call anyone, so what did he do to deserve that?
GIRL: Well, he kissed me.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
GIRL: Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a Madarchod.
GIRL: But, he put his hand inside my blouse.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean......like this?
GIRL: Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a Madarchod.
GIRL: But, he took my clothes off.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean.....like this?
GIRL: Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a Madarchod..
GIRL: But, he had sex with me!
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean........like this?
GIRL: Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a Madarchod either.
GIRL: But, he told me he had AIDS.
PSYCHIATRIST: YOU Madarchod.!!!!!!!!!!!!
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