Thursday, January 31, 2008

One day, after Laloo Yadav had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, 'You had a great check-up. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?'

'Well,' he said, 'I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.'

'That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?'

'Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2.'


man complained to his coworker that he didn't know what to get his wife for her birthday. 'She already has everything you could think of, and she can buy herself whatever she likes.'

'Here's an idea,' said the colleague. 'Make up your own gift certificate that says, 'Thirty minutes of great loving, any way you want it.' I guarantee she'll be enchanted.'

The next day, the colleague asked, 'Well? Did you take my suggestion?'

'Yes,' replied the man.

'Did she like it?'

'Oh, yes! She jumped up kissed me on the forehead, and ran out of the door yelling, 'See you in 30 minutes!''

A man got a call from his doctor who said 'I have some bad news and some terrible news, which would you rather hear first?'The man says 'The bad news.'

The doctor says 'The lab messed up your tests and when they re-did them, they found out you only have 48 hours to live!'

The man exclaimed 'What could be more terrible than that!!??'The doctor replied 'we tried all day yesterday to get hold of you but your phone was busy!'

Each morning the man was enraged that the tea cup arrived two-thirds full. The clerk explained that he had to rush to get the tea delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way.

None of the man's yelling and insults produced a full cup of tea, until he finally threatened to cut the clerk's pay by one-third if he continued to produce one-third less tea.

The next morning he was greeted with a cup of tea that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that.

The man couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique.

'Oh, there's not much to it,' admitted the clerk happily, 'I take some tea in my mouth right outside the kitchen, and spit it back in when I get outside your office!'


A man went to the Doctor and the doctor told him he had only 24 hours to live. He goes home to tell his wife and after they both had a long cry over it, he asked her if she would have sex with him because he only had 24 hours to live.

'Of course Darling.' she replied. And so they have sex.

Four hours later they are lying in bed and he turns to her again, and says, 'you know I only have 20 hours to live, do you think we could do it again?'

Again she responds very sympathetically and agrees to have sex.

Another 8 hours pass, and she had fallen asleep from exhaustion, he taps her on the shoulder, and asks her again, 'You know dear, I only have 12 more hours left, how about again for old times sake?'

By this time she is getting a little annoyed, but reluctantly agrees.

After they finish she goes back to sleep and 4 hours later, he taps her on the shoulder again and says, 'Dear, I hate to keep bothering you but you know I only have 8 hours left before I die, can we do it one more time?'

Well, she turns to him with a grimaced look on her face and says, 'You know.. you don't have to get up in the morning. I do!!!'

A lady awoke one morning and discovered her dog was not moving. She called her vet, Dr Santa Singh, who asked her to bring the dog in. After a brief examination, the vet pronounced the dog dead.

'Are you sure?', the distraught woman asked. 'He was a great family pet. Isn't there anything else you can do?'

Dr Santa Singh paused for a moment and said, 'There is one more thing we can do.' He left the room for a moment and came back carrying a large cage with a cat in it. The vet opened the cage door and the cat walked over to the dog. The cat sniffed the dog from head to toe and walked back to the cage.

'Well, that confirms it.' the vet announced. 'Your dog is dead.'

Satisfied that the vet had done everything he possibly could, the woman sighed, 'How much do I owe you?'

'That will be Rs.1100.' the vet replied.

'I don't believe it!!!', screamed the woman. 'What did you do that cost Rs.1100?

'Well', Dr Santa Singh replied, 'it's Rs.100 for the office visit and Rs.1000 for the cat-scan.'

A man, his wife, and their eight children were waiting at a bus stop. Not long after, a blind man joins the group.

The bus arrives. The blind man and the husband are forced to walk because there's just no more room on the bus.

As they walk together, the tapping of the blind man's cane starts to irritate the other man. Finally, the man says, 'You know, that's pretty irritating. Why don't you put a rubber on the end of that stick?'

The blind man retorts: 'If you'd put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd both be on that bus.'

A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags. 'Where are you going?' he asked.

'To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $400 to do what I do for you for free!'

The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing HIS bags.

'What do you think you are doing?' she screamed.

'Going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you live on $800 a year!'

Santa Singh walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs him that he's too drunk and he could not serve him anything.

Santa is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, the Santa Singh stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to him due to his inebriation, and asks him to leave.

Santa looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, he bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds him that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and if he doesn't leave he would call the police!

Santa looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries 'MAN! How many bars do you work at?'

Laloo and Rabri Devi were walking down the road when Rabri turns to Laloo and says, 'Hey look at that dog with one eye!'

Laloo covers up one of his eyes and says, 'Where?'

Little Lalloo was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things. 'Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?' he asked his mother.

'He thinks a lot,' replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness.

Or she was until little Lalloo thought for a second and asked, 'So why do you have so much hair?'




The Pakistani Air Force recently purchased a fleet of Chinese fighter jets. They invited over a Chinese official and at a gathering, the Chinese guy says to the Pakis, 'These planes are so simple, even you fools can use them'.

The chief of the air force asks how it's all done. The Chinese guy says, 'OK. So easy! Press this button to go right. This button to go left, and this button to go up!'

The Paki Air Force Chief then asks, 'So, how do you come down?'

The Chinese guy replies, 'Oh, leave that to the Indian Air Force!'


Jaswinder was involved in a serious crash; there's blood everywhere.

She's rushed to the hospital where she's put on a stretcher almost unconcious.

Doctor: OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed.

Jaswinder: Ok.

Doctor: Ok the how many fingers am I putting up?

Jaswinder: Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!



George Bush goes to a school George Bush goes to a primary school to give a speech. After his talk he offers question time.One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is.

"Bob".

"And what is your question, Bob?"

"I have 3 questions.

First, Why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?

Second, Why are you President when Kerry got more votes?

And third, What happened to Osama Bin Laden?

Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh that's right — question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts up his hand . George points him out and asks him what his name is. "Steve"

"And what is your question, Steve?"

"I have 5 questions.

First, Why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?

Second, Why are you President when Kerry got more votes?

Third, What happened to Osama Bin Laden?

Fourth, Why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?

And fifth, Where is "Bob"? !!

One Technical question:
Where you can find mangoes?







..no it is nt in mango tree





Fruit shop?no wrong.




Ans:
where WOMENgoes there only MANgoes


IMRAN HASHMI on d toilet seat guess wich song he'l b singin? guess


guess?


guess?


if you lost it den sing in rhythm .oooooh.ek baar aja aja aja

woman guest approaches the bar in a small restaurant.

She calls the guy at the bar and when he is standing in front of her, she asks him in a very seductive way to come nearer. Then she bends over the desk and starts to caress his beard. 'Are you the owner of this place?' she asks and touches tenderly his cheek.

'Ehhh. No. Not at all!' he replies.

'Would you please call him here?' the lady asks and gently touches his hair.

'Oh, I'm very sorry. But no. Impossible!' the man sighs.

'Would you then please do me a great favour?' the lady asks and follows gently the line of his lips.

'Of course. What ever you wish!' the man moans.

'I want to leave a message for the boss!' she says and let first one - then two - fingers slip into his mouth which he gently sucks on.

'What message?' he asks with the two fingers in his mouth.

'Please tell him that there is no paper, nor soap, nor towel in the lady's room!'


Maine sardarse pucha"bollywood& hollywood me kya fark hai?

sardar: A tho very simple bollywood me ball dikhate he;

hollywood me Hole dikate he

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Lady teacher making fun of short boy,"you have to stand on bench to drink milk". Boy smiled and said- "you have to kneel down to suck a lollipop.."


A boy goes 2 see a cabare dance. His mom gets angry & asks him: Did you see anything there that you were not supposed 2 see BOY: Yes i Saw Dad.

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Hostel me ek ladka dusre se bola"yaar exam paas aa gaye hai, mujhe kal jaldi utha dena"Dusra bola"tu mera lund pakad k so ja,yeh roz mujse pahle uth jata hai.



Teacher:Whats ur name?

Boy:Tata Indicom

Techer:What can you read?

Boy:Hutch ka chota recharge sirf 10 rs me

Teacher:apki life ka kya hoga?

Boy:Spice hai to life hai

Teacher:Tum apni life mai karna kya chahte ho?

Boy:Kar lo dunia muthi me

teacher:Class se bahar chlay jao

Boy:Aisi aazadi aur ka¿an.€

your girlsfriend is your right hand...
but if ur girlfriend is away then your right hand is your girlfriend... gud night

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A Lady without her Bra was selling Grapes. A Man said: Excuse me, sab kuch dikhta hai. Lady said: Abey Chutiye, tab hi to yeh bikta hai...

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A dark guy was walkin on d road... His pants wer torn at d back... Sardarji came to him n said..."oye, tussi pant ke peeche damaar laga hai jee"...

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sardar:- mistriji Bed majbut banana mere munde nu bahu pe chadna hai.
mistri:- aisa majbut bed banaunga ki sara mohalla bahu pe chad jaye to bhi kuch nahi tutega.

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A 16 yrs girl to old man---- uncleji lun..  seedha chu.. mein dalo na niche bun... mein slip ho raha hai
old man jan de kuriye jan de bhen chod nu gu khan di aadat hai.

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prostitute takes sardar's pennis in mouth and threatens him"1000 Rs. de varna kat doongi
sardar replies:- 5000 Rs. de varna susu kar doonga!

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Dan got a frantic call from his blond girlfriend.

"I've got a problem," she said.

"What's the matter?" he asked.

"Well, I bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard.
None of the pieces fit together, and I can't find any
edges."

"What's the picture of?"

"A big rooster."

"All right, " Dan said. "I'll come over and take a look."

The woman led Dan into her kitchen and showed him the
puzzle on the table.

"For Pete's sake Buffy, put the Corn Flakes back in the box!"



General jokes

Little Johnny's class was having an English lesson, and
the teacher called on Little Johnny to recite a sentence
with a direct object.

Little Johnny stood and thought, then said, "Teacher,
everybody thinks you are very beautiful."

"Why thank you, Little Johnny," the teacher said,
blushing. "But what is the direct object?"

"A good report card next month," he replied.



Sardar

SARDAR- oh yeh roz raat ko condom use karte karte mai pareshan ho gaya hoon

SARDARNI- aakhir mein aap to bahat bekoof nikle- lamination kiun nahi karwa lete?



Lost Ball


A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball.stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake.

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife,
"Hey, this looks like yours!"




Importance of a word

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."

"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done," replies Steve.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor. "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind--either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

"Well, OK," says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"

So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading toward him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

"Hi there," says Steve, "looks as if you've just had the same operation as me." "Well," says the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised." Steve stares at him in horror and screams, "* THAT'S the word!"


Importance of a name

Peter decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Peter's station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.

"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Not to worry," Peter said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."

Nine months later, Peter got a letter from the widow's attorney. He then went up to visit his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have *** with her?"

"Yes, I have to admit that I did."

"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."

"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"

Here is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena, the Russian lady has just been hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the entire production line is behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, Wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The
Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday. ...... .." "Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles".



God asked Lal Bahadur Shastri how many children he had during his time
on earth. He replied saying he had three! Happy with the relatively good
family planning adopted, God gave Shastri a Mercedes!

Maulana Abdul Kalam Azad is asked the same question.
When he replies he had 10 children, God is a bit upset and gives him a
cheaper car, the Ford.

Jawaharlal is next.
He decides to see what happens if he says he had 15 children, God is
pretty angry and gives him an inexpensive Maruti.

Sometime later the three see Mahatma Gandhi returning on foot. They ask
why God hadn't given him anything. Gandhiji replied with anger, "Some
idiot told God that I was the FATHER OF THE NATION!"