DEDICATED TO ALL SOFTWARE ENGINEERS


One day, a Mechanical Engineer, an Electrical Engineer, a Chemical Engineer
and a Software Engineer were driving down the street in the same car.


The car broke down.

The Mechanical Engineer said, "I think a rod broke. We can check the
rods."

The Chemical Engineer said, "The way it sputtered at the end, I don't
think it's getting gas. We shall check the gas tank."


The Electrical Engineer said, "I think there was a spark and something
is wrong with the electrical system. We shall check the circuitry."

All three turned to the Software engineer and said, "What do you think?"




--

--
--

--

--

--

The Software Engineer said, "We shall get out of the car and get in
Again."

Laugh a Little: A Gujarati Funeral...

A family in Gujarat got simply puzzled when the coffin of their dead mother (Puj. Ba) arrived from the US. It was sent by one of the Daughter.

The dead body was very tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no space left in it when they opened the lid; they found a letter on top addressed to all her brothers and sisters:

Dear Chandrakantbhai, Arvindbhai, Smitaben & Varsha,

I am sending Puj. Ba's dead body to you, since it was her last wish that she should be cremated in the compound of our ancestral home in Kadhywad, GUJARAT , India.

Sorry, I could not come, all of my paid leaves got consumed.

You will find inside the coffin, under Ba's body, 5 cans of cheese, 10 packets of Tobler chocolates, 8 packets of Badam and few items for Kids. Please divide these among all of you.

Near Ba's feet, you will find a new pair of Reebok shoes (size 10) for Mohan. There are also 2 pairs of shoes for Radha's and Lakshmi's sons. Hope the sizes are correct!!

Ba is wearing 6 American T-Shirts. The large size is for Mohan and rest you can decide.

The 2 new Jeans that Ba is wearing are for the boys.

The Swiss watch that Reema wanted is on Ba's left wrist.

Shanta masi, Ba is wearing the necklace, earrings and ring that you asked for. Please take it.

The few pairs of white cotton socks that Ba is wearing must be divided among all the Nephews.

Please distribute all these above items fairly & equally. Yours loving sister, Anubhavi
P.S.: If anything more needed, let me know soon as Bapuji is also not feeling too well now a days...

This is a collection of leave letters and applications written by people in various places of India ...

1. Infosys, Bangalore : An employee applied for leave as follows:
Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave.

2. This is from Oracle Bangalore:
From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son: "as I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days.."

3. Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding:
"as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."

4. From H.A.L. Administration dept:
"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."

5. Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:
"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"

6. An incident of a leave letter
"I am suffering from fever, please declare one day holiday."

7. A leave letter to the headmaster:
"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"

8. Another leave letter written to the headmaster:
"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."

9. Covering note: "I am enclosed herewith..."

10. Another one:
"Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below..."

11. Actual letter written for application of leave:
"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".

12. Letter writing: -
"I am in well here and hope you are also in the same well."

13. A candidate's job application:
"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ' Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female'...As I am both(!! )for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post.

Reason why never visit a 5* Hotel



Question : "What would you like to have ..Fruit juice, Soda, Tea, Chocolate, Milo, or Coffee?"

Answer: "tea please"

Question : " Ceylon tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea, Ice tea or green tea ?"

Answer : "Ceylon tea "

Question : "How would you like it ? black or white ?"

Answer: "white"

Question: "Milk, Whitener, or Condensed milk ?"

Answer: "With milk "

Question: "Goat milk, Camel milk or cow milk"

Answer: "With cow milk please.

Question: " Milk from Freeze land cow or Afrikaner cow?"

Answer: " Um, I'll take it black. "

Question: " Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?"

Answer: "With sugar"

Question: " Beet sugar or cane sugar ?"

Answer: "Cane sugar "

Question:" White , brown or yellow sugar ?"

Answer: "Forget about tea just give me a glass of water instead."

Question: "Mineral water or still water ? "

Answer: "Mineral water"

Question: "Flavored or non-flavored ?"

Answer: "I'll rather die of thirst

These are Girls profiles taken from a matrimonial website.
Grammar and spelling errors have no place in a Profile description as everything is straight from the heart!
Disclaimer: I am not responsible if you forget your basic grammar after reading this mail...


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hello To Viewers My Name is Sowmya , I am single i dont have male,If
any one whant to marrie to me u can visite to my home. I am not a good
education but i working all field in bangalore .. if u like me u
welcome to my heart... when ever u whant to meet pls visit my resident
or send u letter..
Thanks
yours Regards Sowmya ~*~
(Truly yours)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i want very simple boy. from brahmin educated family from Orissa state
she is also know about RAMAYAN, GEETA BHAGABATA, and other homework
(Wut Homework?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am a happy-go-lucky kind of person. Enjoys every moments of life. I
love to make friendship. Becauese friendship is a first step of love.
I am looking for my dreamboy who will love me more than i. Because i
love myself a lot. If u think that is u then why to late come on
........hold my hand forever !!!
(The dilwale dulhaniya effect)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i am simple girl. I have lot of problemin my life because of my
lucknow i am looking one boy he care me and love me lot lot lot
(I don't know why but this is one of my favorites)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i want a boy with no drinks if he wants he can wear jeans in house but
while steping out of house he should give recpect to our cast
(by not wearing his jeans? Wat the hell...)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

HYE I AM A GOOD LOKING GIRL,WHO HAS THE CAPABILITY TO MAKE ANY BODY TO
LOUGH.I BELIEVE IN GOD AND ACCORDING TO ME FRIENDS ARE THE REAL
MESSENGER OF GOD. THE 3 THINGS I AM LOOKING FROM A BOY
THEY ARE
1. THEY MUST BELIEVE IN GOD.
2. THEY HAVE TO LIKE MY PROFFESION
3. THEY SHOULD NOT GET BORED WITH ME WHEN I WILL TRY TO MAKE THEM LOUGH.
(all of us are loughing {laughing})
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

whatever he may be but he should feel that he is going to be someone
groom and he must think of the future life if he is toolike this he
would be called the man of the lamp
(I am clueless, I feel so lost. Can anyone tell me what this girl wants)
Infact she doesn ?t know wat she wants ?.. ? A LAMP ? ?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i love my patner i marriage the patner ok i search my patner and I
love the patner ok thik hai the patner has a graduate ok
(I am again clueless but I liked the use of "ok". The person is
suffering from "Ok-syndrome")
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
iam pranati my family histoy my two brother two sister and father &
mother sister completely married
(somebody please explain in comments section how to get married
'completely'?)
( Confused ????? )
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

my name is farhanbegum and i am unmarried. pleaes you marrige me
pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes
(height of desperation! J )
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

iam kanandevi. i do owo businas.one sistar.he was marred.
(No comments)
(Plz ? for gods sake ask somebody ?s help in framing sentence )
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

hello i am a good charactarised woman. i want to run my life happily.
i divorced my first husband. his charactor is not good'. i expect the
good minded and clean habits boy who may be in the same caste or other
caste accepted ...
(but credit cards not accepted..???)
(Perhaps Debit Cards accepted ?.. Clean Habit s??????? Is there
anything like that.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am Sharmila my colour is black, but my heart is white. i like social
service.
(Zebra..???)
(Gosh!!!!!!!! she knows her heart color)

THE SUCCESS OF MARRIAGE


Once upon a time a married couple celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary.

They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in their period of 25 years.

Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their well known "happy going marriage".

Editor: "Sir. It's amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible? "


Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said:

"We had been to Shimla for honeymoon after marriage.

Having selected the horse riding finally, we both started the ride on different horses.

My horse was pretty okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one.

On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over.

Recovering her position from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said "This is your first time".

She again climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened again.

This time she again kept calm and said "This is your second time" and continued.

When the horse dropped her third time, she silently took out the revolver from the purse and shot the horse dead !!

I shouted at my wife: "What did you do you psycho. You killed the poor animal. Are you crazy?" ..

She gave a silent look and said: "This is your first time!!!"."


Husband:"That's it. We are happy ever after. "

The Corporate Love Letter

In today's world of MBA's, the old fashioned Love-Letter is being replaced by such 'Corporate' Love-Letters. go ahead and read on.....

Dearest Ms. _____,

I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in love with you. Since the 25 th of December 2007(Tuesday). With reference to the meeting held between us on the 24 th of December 2007 at 1500 hrs, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover.

Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent. Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on the job training and performance appraisal schemes leading up to from lover to spouse. The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses.

However I am broadminded enough, to be taken care of all your expense account. I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be canceled without any further notice and I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.

Thanking you in anticipation.

Yours sincerely,

Rajnikanth facts


You want to know who is Rajanikanth....here are the facts

Rajanikanth makes onions cry

Rajanikanth can delete the Recycle Bin.

Ghosts are actually caused by Rajanikanth killing people faster than Death can process them.

Rajanikanth can build a snowman..... out of rain.

Rajanikanth can strangle you with a cordless phone.

Rajanikanth can drown a fish.
When Rajanikanth enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on,......... .... he turns the dark off.

When Rajanikanth looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Rajanikanth and Rajanikanth.

Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards.

Rajanikanth can throw Brett Favre even further.

The last digit of pi is Rajanikanth. He is the end of all things.

Rajanikanth does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

Bullets dodge Rajanikanth.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Rajanikanth and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Rajanikanth' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Rajanikanth.

If you spell Rajanikanth wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Rajanikanth?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."

Rajanikanth can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

Once a cobra bit Rajanikanth' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

When Rajanikanth gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

Rajanikanth can kill two stones with one bird.

Rajanikanth was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Rajanikanth can kill 100 percent of whatever he wants.

There is no such thing as global warming. Rajanikanth was cold, so he turned the sun up.

Rajanikanth can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Rajanikanth has a deep and abiding respect for human life… unless it gets in his way.

It takes Rajanikanth 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Rajanikanth once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Rajanikanth could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Rajanikanth.

Rajanikanth destroyed the periodic table, because Rajanikanth only recognizes the element of surprise.

Rajanikanth got his drivers license at the age of 16 Seconds.

With the rising cost of gasoline, Rajanikanth is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.

The square root of Rajanikanth is pain. Do not try to square Rajanikanth, the result is death.

When you say "no one's perfect", Rajanikanth takes this as a personal insult.

ConfessioN

ConfessioN

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly , sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet , not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says , "Dark in here."
The man says , "Yes , it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No , thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK , how much?"
Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."

In the next few weeks , it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes , it is."
Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover , remembering the last time , asks the boy , "How much?"
Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."

A few days later , the father says to the boy , "Grab your gloves , let's go outside and have a game of catch."

The boy says , "I can't , I sold my ball and my glove."
The father asks , "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says , "$500"

The father says , "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... That is way more than those two things cost.

I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says , "Dark in here."
The priest says , "Don't start that shit again , you're in my closet now.

Some Explanations............

1. Losing all your friends

Man comes home and finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends."



2. Brother wanted

A small boy wrote to Santa Claus,"send me a brother"....
Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"....



3. Meaning of WIFE

Husband asks, "Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means 'Without Information Fighting Everytime'!"
Wife replies, "No, it means 'With Idiot For Ever'!!!"



4. Importance of a period

Teacher: "Do you know the importance of a period?"
Kid: "Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away."



5. Confident vs. confidential
A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential? "
Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential! "



6. Anger management?

Husband: "When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?"
Wife: "I clean the toilet."
Husband: "How does that help?"
Wife: "I use your toothbrush ."

Santa and Banta decide to apply for jobs at a mine that had opened nearby.

After sitting in the waiting room for a while, Banta gets called in for his interview.

The boss asks Banta if he had worked underground mines before? Banta says that he had.

The boss asks him how deep under ground he worked?

Banta says, "Oh, about 8 to 10 feet."

The boss says, "Mines are a lot deeper than that, get out of here - you're no miner!"

On his way out, Banta tells Santa to tell the boss that he worked real deep underground so he could get the job. Santa gets called in.

The boss asks Santa if he had worked underground mines before?

Santa says, "Oh sure."

The boss asks how deep underground he worked.

Santa says, "I used to work in a mine 20,000 feet underground."

The boss says, "20,000 feet, Wow! That is incredible!, "What kind of lights did you use in a mine so deep underground?"

Santa says, "Oh, I didn't need a light, I worked on the day shift!"

A cop stops his patrol car when he sees Banta and his girlfriend sitting on the curb.

Banta is laying on his side with his pants pulled down, the girl has her finger in his butt, and she's reaming away with a vengeance.

The cop says, "What the hell is going on?"

The girl says, "This is my date. When I told him I wouldn't spend the night with him, he started pounding down the booze.

Now, he's too drunk to drive me home, so I'm trying to sober him up by making him puke."

The cop says, "That's not going to make him puke."

She says, "Yeah? Wait till I switch this finger to his mouth."

Santa enters a store that sell curtains.

He tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."

The salesman assured him that they had a large selection of pink curtains.

He showed him several patterns, but Santa seemed to be having a hard time choosing.

Finally, he selects a lovely pink floral print.

The salesman asked what size curtains he needed.

Santa replies, "Fifteen inches."

"Fifteen inches?" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small, what room are they for?"

Santa tells him that they aren't for a room, they are for his computer monitor.

The surprised salesman replies, "But, sir, computers do not have curtains!"

Santa says, "Hellllooooooooo........I've got Windows!"

Umbalo-Gong

Santa and Banta fly to the south sea islands to study the natives. They go to two adjacent islands and set to work. A few months later Santa takes a boat over to the other island to see how Banta is doing. When he gets there, he finds Banta standing among a group of natives.

"Greetings! How is it going?" says Santa.

"Wonderful!" says Banta, "I have discovered an important fact about the local language! Watch!"

He points at a palm tree and says, "What is that?"

The natives, in unison, say, "Umbalo-gong!"

He then points at a rock and says, "And that?"

The natives again intone, "Umbalo-gong!"

"You see!", says the beaming Banta, "They use the SAME word for 'rock' and for 'palm tree'!"

"That is truly amazing!" says the astonished Santa, "On the other island, the same word means 'index finger'!"

Newton in romantic mood......

Newton in romantic mood......


Universal law:

"Love can neither be created nor be destroyed; only it can transfer
from
One girlfriend to another girlfriend with some loss of money "



First law:

"A boy in love with a girl, continue to be in love with her and a girl
in love with a boy, continue to be in love with him, until or unless
any external agent(brother or father of the gal) comes into play and
break the legs of the boy. "



Second law:

"The rate of change of intensity of love of a girl towards a boy is
directly proportional to the instantaneous bank balance of the boy and
the direction of this love is same to as increment or decrement of the
bank balance. "



Third law:

"The force applied while proposing a girl by a boy is equal and
opposite to the force applied by the girl while slap.

Error Messages

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read,

stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level,

stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

Types of Girls

Hard Disk Girls:
She remembers everything, FOREVER.

RAM Girls:
She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.

Windows Girls:
Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her.

Screensaver Girls:
She is good for nothing but at least she is fun!

Internet Girls:
Difficult to access.

Server Girls:
Always busy when you need her.

Multimedia Girls:
She makes horrible things look beautiful.

CD-ROM Girls:
She is always faster and faster.

Email Girls:
Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.

Virus Girls:
Also known as "WIFE"; when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don't try to uninstall her you will lose everything.

The pretty secretary came in late for work the third day...

The pretty secretary came in late for work the third day in a row.

The boss called her into his office and said,

"Now look Sharon, Iknow we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over.

I expectyou to conduct yourself like any other employee around here.

The boss pressed on, " Who told you you could come and go as youplease around here ?"

Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said,...

." My lawyer."

Gay Bars

A dude named Henry really hates fags. Anyway, he moves into a new neighborhood and decides to go check out the bars.

As he strolls along, he keeps seeing signs with: "We serve gays" written on them.

He's really pissed off by them, but decides to keep searching. Eventually, his hard work pays off and he comes to bar that doesn't say anything about serving gays.

So, he goes inside and takes a seat at the main counter. While the bartender is pouring Henry a nice, cool Bud Light, Henry says, "I'm sure glad that this bar doesn't have any of those d*mn signs saying that ya serve gays!"

The bartender replies, "Oh, but we do. It's right over there on the floor..."

Henry gets off of the stool and bends over to look at it.

It reads: "Brace Yourself!"

The little sexy housewife was built so well...

The little sexy housewife was built so well the TV repairman couldn't keep his eyes off of her.

Every time she came in the room, he'd near about jerk his neck right out of joint looking at her.

When he'd finished she paid him and said, "I'm going to make a . . . well . . . unusual request.

But you have to first promise me you'll keep it a secret."

The repairman quickly agreed and she went on.

"Well, it's kind of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind, decent man -- sigh -- he has a certain physical weakness.

A certain disability. Now, I'm a woman and you're a man . . .

"The repairman could hardly speak, "Yes yes!"

"And since I've been wanting to ever since you came in the door . . ."

"Yes yes!"

"Would you help me move the refrigerator?"

Exposing Drunk!

A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him, and approaches, "Can I help you, sir?"

"Yesssh! Sssshomebody ssshtole my car!" the man replies.

The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasssh at the end of thisssh key!" the man replies, logically, if a bit too literally.

About this time the cop looks down to see that the man's member is being exhibited for all the world to see.

He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat, moans, "OHHH GOD . . . they got my girlfriend too!!!"

Sexy Barmaid

Joe is sitting at a bar, staring at the sexy bartender. He slapped a ten on the table and says, "I bet I can keep an eye on this drink while I go to the bathroom."

She knew the bathroom was around the corner so she accepted the bet. Joe took his glass eye out placed it beside the glass and went to the bathroom.

"Betcha I can bite my own ear," Jor challenged. The bet was accepted and he took out his false teeth & nipped his ear. Once more he scooped up the money.

"Okay," he said, "I'll give you a chance to win your money back. I bet I can make love to you so tenderly you won't feel a thing."

Now that was one thing she knew about so she accepted the bet. Joe lifted her skirt & away they went.

"I can feel you," she cried.

"Oh well," Joe said, "You win some, you lose some !!"

The Sexy Secretary.

A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary,

so he called his wife to make up an excuse.

After work he invited his secretary to dinner.

It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky,

so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours.

Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck.

He panicked, wondering what he was going to tell his wife.

After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him.

Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal.

Holding his neck with one hand, he said, "Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!""

Hell, that's nothing" she answered, ripping open her blouse." Look what he did to my tits!"

On the night of a Halloween costume party a couple were having...

On the night of a Halloween costume party a couple were havingtrouble picking suitable outfits.

After a while the wife got madand stormed out of the room.

Fifteen minutes later she came backcompletely naked execpt for a lemon between her legs.

The husband looked at her for a moment and then stormed out ofthe room himself.

Twenty minutes passed and then he came backhimself with a potato around his dick.

The wife gave him a wierd look and then the husband replied"If your going as a sour-puss, I going as a dictator".

The Costume Party

A man and his wife were supposed to go to a costume party together one Halloween,

but when the time came to go the party, the woman told him to go on without her,

because she said she had a terrible headache.

The man reluctantly did, and the suspicious wife decided to see just how faithful her man really was.

She put on a different costume and went to the party.

When she got there she saw her husband dancing with a young girl in a sexy costume.

Now, even more suspicious, she decided to really put him to the test.

She danced with him and whispered that they should sneak into a bedroom.

She insisted they leave the masks on and had sex with him.

Fuming, she ran home to wait for his return.

When he got there, she innocently asked if he'd had fun.

He told her he hadn't. After a few minutes at the party, he and some guys had gone across the street to play poker.

He added, "The guy who borrowed my costume said he had a hell of a time, though!"

Exposing Drunk!

A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him, and approaches, "Can I help you, sir?"

"Yesssh! Sssshomebody ssshtole my car!" the man replies.

The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasssh at the end of thisssh key!" the man replies, logically, if a bit too literally.

About this time the cop looks down to see that the man's member is being exhibited for all the world to see.

He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat, moans, "OHHH GOD . . . they got my girlfriend too!!!"

Sexy Barmaid

Joe is sitting at a bar, staring at the sexy bartender. He slapped a ten on the table and says, "I bet I can keep an eye on this drink while I go to the bathroom."

She knew the bathroom was around the corner so she accepted the bet. Joe took his glass eye out placed it beside the glass and went to the bathroom.

"Betcha I can bite my own ear," Jor challenged. The bet was accepted and he took out his false teeth & nipped his ear. Once more he scooped up the money.

"Okay," he said, "I'll give you a chance to win your money back. I bet I can make love to you so tenderly you won't feel a thing."

Now that was one thing she knew about so she accepted the bet. Joe lifted her skirt & away they went.

"I can feel you," she cried.

"Oh well," Joe said, "You win some, you lose some !!"

Seems that God was just about done creating the universe.

The Lord had a couple of leftovers in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden.

He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to urinate while standing up. "It can be very handy,"

God explained to Adam and Eve. "Would either of you like that ability?"

Adam popped a cork. He jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me!

It seems the sort of thing a man should be able to do. Please, Lord, let me have that ability. I would be forever grateful."

Eve just smiled and shook her head at Adam's display.

She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, then she really wouldn't mind if he were the one given the ability to urinate while standing up.

And so, the Lord gave Adam the ability to urinate while standing up.

Then, He looked back into his bag of leftover gifts. "Now, what have we here? Oh, yes, multiple orgasms..."

GOOD GIRLS VS. BAD GIRLS



Good girls blush during love scenes in a movie. Bad girls know they could do it better.

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot. Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it. Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.

Good girls pack their toothbrush. Bad girls pack their diaphragms.

Good girls prefer the missionary position. Bad girls do too, but only for starters.

Good girls say, "No." Bad girls say, "When?"

Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls. Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.

Good girls wax their floors. Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

Good girls wear high heels to work. Bad girls wear high heels to bed.

After less than a year of marriage, this lady was becoming more and more frustrated.

Her husband worked very long hours and was no longer interested in Bonking.

Plucking up her courage, and with a few stiff drinks inside her, she visited a sex shop.

"Hello, I'm very embarrassed about this. My husband doesn't make love to me.

You sell 'Sex Dolls', I'm here because I'm interested in buying one. You know ... one with a BIG Dick - for me."

The shop assistant was taken aback. In front of him was a lady - about 22 years old, 38 DD bust and a figure he would have crawled over a kilometre of broken glass to buy a coffee for.

"Well Miss - or Madam," he took another breath. "Frankly, we don't get much call for that sort of thing. However, we do have three models in the back room."

Jane looked him directly in the eye and smiled, "Tell me about them!"

"Well," the man replied, "I'm sure you won't like our first model. It's called 'The Soccer Player'.

Don't get me wrong; it's very nice. Powerful legs, cute butt - but it does tend to 'dribble' a lot."

Jane wasn't exactly delighted about this, "Well, No. Not interested in that! What else you've you got?"

"Well, " came the reply, "We also have The Aussie Cricketer. Listen, I must me fair with you. This is a great model, big ... well, Ummm huge, in the right places, but ... "

"Yes !?!" gulped Jane, with eyes like dinner plates.

"Once it's in - It's almost impossible to get it out. Frankly, we've only sold two of these in the last four years"

"Don't want THAT," replied Jane. "You said you have three models. What's left?"

"I hesitate to even talk about this," answered the shop assistant. "It's called 'The Santa Claus' Model."

"What do you mean, The Santa Claus model?" replied Jane.

"Well," answered the shop assistant. He took a deep breath. "This model only comes once a year and when it does - it fills up BOTH your stockings !"

Eagles mate for life, so this near-sighted eagle goes out to look for a mate. He finds a Dove.

They go back to his nest and they make love.

It was fantastic sex but all night long this dove says, "I'm a dove, let's make love. I'm a dove, let's make love."

Well the eagle just can't take this for the rest of his life so next morning he kicks her out of his nest.

Then on for the quest of another mate. He runs into a wren.

He takes her back to his nest and makes love to her.

Again fantastic sex but all night long this wren says, "I'm a wren let's do it again. I'm a wren let's do it again."

Well the eagle is getting really irritated so next morning he kicks her out of the nest....

Being very cautious (he thinks) he goes out to look for another mate...

He finds the perfect mate… a Duck.

So again he takes her to his nest and makes love to her.

You'll never guess what this duck said all night long...???!!!???

"I'm a drake you made a mistake. I'm a drake you made a mistake."

(A drake being a male duck!)

A woman is very distressed because she has not been married very long and yet her husband has lost interest in sex.

So she goes to see her doctor and relays the problem.

The doctor doesn't seem worried at all and tells her that it is nothing serious and her husband has merely lost his animal instincts.

The doctor tells her to crumble some dog biscuits on her husband's cereal every morning without telling him, and little by little this will bring out the savage beast in him.

He wishes her good luck and tells her to come back in a week with a progress report.

A week later the woman returns to the doctor, who asks how her husband is.

"He's dead," she replies.

"Dead?" the doctor asked.

"Yes. He was sitting in the driveway licking his balls, and I backed over him with the car."

A fellow is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products.

At the first stop, he`s shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples.

The machine makes a loud hiss-pop! noise.

"The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide.

"The popping sound is a needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."
Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured.

The machine makes a noise: `Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop!`

"Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the `hiss, hiss,` is, but what`s that `pop!` every so often?"

"Oh, it`s just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."

"Well, that can`t be good for the condoms!"

"Yeah, but it`s great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"

MAGIC TRICK



Two men in a sauna. The first one says to the second one, "Do you want to see a magic trick?"

Second guy says, "Sure."

"OK. Face away from me and get down on your hands and knees."

Second guy turns around and gets down on all fours.

"There," says the first one, "... does that feel like you've got a thumb up your ass?"

"Yes!"

The first guy waves both of his hands in the air, "Magic!"

THE CELIBACY TEST



Three young candidates for the priesthood are told by the Monsignor they have to pass one more test: The Celibacy Test. The Monsignor leads them into a room, and tells them to undress, and a small bell is tied to each man's penis.

In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly-dancer costume. She begins to dance sensually around the first candidate. Even before she has begun to remove her veils: *Ting-a-ling* goes the little bell...

"Oh Patrick," says the Monsignor, "I am so disappointed in your complete lack of self-control. Go take a long, cold shower and pray about your carnal weakness."

As Patrick leaves, the dancer then continues, slowly dancing around the second candidate and peeling off her layers of veils. As the last veil drops: *Ting-a-ling* goes the bell...

"Joseph, Joseph," sighs the Monsignor. "You too are unable to withstand your carnal desires. Go take a long, cold shower and pray for forgiveness."

The dancer then proceeds to dance her sensuous dance around the third candidate. Slowly around him she dances, now devoid of all of her veils, but the third candidate remains unmoved.

"James, my son, I am truly proud of you," says the Monsignor. "Only you have the true strength of character needed to become a great priest. Now, go and join your weaker brethren in the shower."

*Ting-a-ling* goes the bell...

THE GREAT DATE



These three teenage girls were roommates. One Friday night right after the semester started they all had all gone out on dates, and by chance all came home at about the same time.

The first one came in and said with a smug look on her face, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up."

The second one laughed at her and said, "No, no, that's nothing! You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared."

The third one sat quiet with a blank stare on her face and didn't say a thing for a few minutes. Then she reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck with a loud thud!

She said, "Now THAT'S a good date!!"

HE 10 MOST IMPORTANT PEOPLE IN A WOMAN'S LIFE



10) The Doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes."

9) The Dentist because he says, "Open Wide."

8) The Hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown."

7) The Milkman because he says, "Do you want it in front or in back?"

6) The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it."

5) The Banker because he says, "If you take it out to soon, you'll lose interest."

4) The Police Officer because he says, "Spread 'em."

3) The Mailman because he always delivers his package.

2) The Pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.

1) The Hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.

TOILET PAPER



A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were walking along the beach. A seagull flies over and craps all over the blonde.

The brunette says in a disgusted voice, "Hang on the bathroom is just up the hill, I'll go get some toilet paper."

After she leaves the blonde begins to laugh.

The redhead says, "What's so funny?"

The blonde says, "Well, blondes are supposed to be so dumb and look at her. By the time she gets back with that toilet paper that seagull will be miles away!"

BLONDE BANKING



A blonde girl in tears came running to her father.

"What's the matter?" asked the father.

"You gave me some bad financial advise," she said.

"I did? What did I tell you?"

"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble."

"What are you talking about, that's one of the largest banks in the world," he said. "Surely there must be some mistake."

"I don't think so," said the blonde girl. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'No Funds'."

BLONDE NUN



One night a blond nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.

"My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish," said God.

"Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me. I am content in all ways," said the nun.

"There must be something you would have of me," said God.

"Well, there is one thing," she said.

"Just name it," said God.

"It's those blonde jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blonde jokes to stop."

"Consider it done," said God. Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you."

"There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time," said the nun.

"Name it. Please," said God.

"It's the M&M's," said the blonde nun. "They're so hard to peel."

TRAIN TRACKS



There was a brunette jumping from rail to rail on a train track saying, "21-21-21-21..."

A blonde comes along and asks the brunette what she is doing. The brunette didn't answer.

So the blonde decided to jump from rail to rail saying, "21-21-21-21..." also.

Suddenly a large train honking its horn comes along. The brunette jumps off but the blonde stayed on and got killed by the train.

After the train passed by, the brunette jumps back on the tracks saying, "22-22-22-22..."

STOLEN MERCEDES



Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite sporting goods store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular sales woman.

Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily greeted him. But he requested to look around alone today before he needed her help. She obliged and let him do his thing.

Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, "Oscar! Oscar! I just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!"

"Dear God! Did you try to stop him?"

"No," the blonde said, "I did better than that! I got the license plate number!"

"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"

"Look," the blonde says, "Nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it . . ."


The blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses. The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye.

The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor in disgust took a paper sack with a hole to see through, and put it on her head to cover up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters.

As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face. "Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get upset about getting glasses."

"I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. The firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump into.

The firemen yell to the brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!"

The brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away. The brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.

"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!" say the firemen to the redhead.

"Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the redhead.

"No! It's brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with redheads!"

"Ok," says the redhead and she jumps.

SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.

Finally, the blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell, "Jump! You have to jump!"

"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the blonde.

A young blonde was having problems with her first case of hemorrhoids. With all the burning, itching and swelling she didn't know what to do.

She calls her older blonde friend and says, "I'm itching, burning and it's swollen - what can I do?"

The older blonde says, "You have hemorrhoids. I'll go down to the pharmacy and get you some Preparation H; that will take care of your swelling and itching. You just set still."

After about an hour the young blonde was itching and burning more and more.

The older blonde delivers the Preparation H and tells the young blonde, "Take this and you will be better in about an hour. I'll call and check up on you in a couple of hours."

The young blonde, not reading the directions, rips open the box and swallows the whole tube, thinking this is the worst taste she has ever ran across her lips. She tries to spit it out but has no luck.

The phone rings and she answers, "Ssssswwwellooooo."

It's the older blonde. She asks, "So, how are your hemorrhoids??"

The young blonde replies, "They still itch and burn but I can whistle better than ever before!"

When the employees of a restaurant attended a fire safety seminar, they watched a fire official demonstrate the proper way to operate an extinguisher.

"Pull the pin like a hand grenade," he explained, "then depress the trigger to release the foam."

Later a blonde employee was selected to extinguish a controlled fire in the parking lot. In her nervousness, she forgot to pull the pin.

The instructor hinted, "Like a hand grenade, remember?"

In a burst of confidence she pulled the pin .... and hurled the extinguisher at the blaze.

A blonde and her brunette friend were talking. The blonde says, "I hate all the blonde jokes people say."

"Oh, they are only jokes. There are alot of stupid people out there. Here I'll prove it to you," replies her brunette friend.

So they went outside and hailed a taxi driver.

"Please take me to 29 Nickle Street to see if I'm home," said the brunette.

The taxi drove them and when they finally got out the brunette looked at the blonde and said, "See that guy was really stupid."

"No kidding," replies the blonde." There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead."

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives.

To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 second and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well... uh... that's because the picture shows his profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds "... think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm... the suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer... wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it... it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears.

She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him!"

"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding."

"No, mother," the young woman laments. "I bought a frozen turkey loaf and he yelled at me about the price."

"Well, that is being miserly," the mother agreed, "Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."

"No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey roll, it was the airplane ticket."

"Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?"

"Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the back and it said, 'PREPARE FROM A FROZEN STATE,' so I flew to Alaska."

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?"

"No silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."

"So then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

"So then?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

Back in the old Wild West, there were two blonde cowpokes, Jeff and Dave. One day, the two were enjoying a strong sarsaparilla in the local saloon, when a man walked into the bar with an Indian's head under his arm.

The barman shakes his hand and says, "I hate Indians; last week the bastards burnt my barn to the ground, assaulted my wife and killed my children." He then says, "If any man brings me the head of an Indian, I'll give him one thousand dollars."

The two blondes looked at each other and walked out of the bar to go hunting for an Indian. They were walking around for a while when suddenly they saw one; Jeff threw a rock which hit the Indian right on the head.

The Indian fell off his horse, but landed seventy feet down a ravine. The two nuts made their way down the ravine where Dave pulled out a knife to claim their trophy.

Suddenly, Jeff said, "Dave, take a look at this." Dave replied, "Not now, I'm busy."

Jeff tugged him on the shoulder and says, "I really think you should look at this."

Dave said, "Look, you can see I'm busy. There's a thousand dollars in my hand."

But Jeff was adamant. "Please, Dave, take a look at this."

So Dave looked up and saw that standing at the top of the ravine were five thousand red Indians.

Dave just shook his head and said, "Oh . . . my . . . God . . .. we're going to be millionaires!"

Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb, and one of them calls 911...

Blonde: "We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb."

Operator: "Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?"

Blonde: "Yes."

Operator: "The power in the house in on?"

Blonde: "Of course."

Operator: "And the switch is on?"

Blonde: "Yes, yes."

Operator: "And the bulb still won't light up?"

Blonde: "No, it's working fine."

Operator: "Then what's the problem?"

Blonde: "We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves."

On their anniversary night, the husband sat his wife sat down in the den with her favorite magazine, turned on the soft reading lamp, slipped off her shoes, patted and propped her feet and announced that he was preparing dinner all by himself. "How romantic!" she thought.

Two-and-a-half hours later, she was still waiting for dinner to be served. She tip-toed to the kitchen and found it a colossal mess. Her harried blonde husband, removing something indescribable from the smoking oven, saw her in the doorway.

"Almost ready!" he vowed. "Sorry it took me so long -- I had to refill the pepper shaker."

"Why, honey, how long could that have taken you?"

"More'n an hour, I reckon. Wasn't easy stuffin' it through those dumb little holes."

Blonde Mary was a none-too-bright young woman who had moved to Hollywood with dreams of becoming a star. She didn't find fame or glory, but she did encounter plenty of men willing to enjoy her plentiful charms and soon she found herself called to testify in a divorce case.

When it was her turn on the stand, the lawyer came forward. "The wife of the defendant has identified you as the 'other woman' in her husband's life. Now, do you admit that you went to the Pricerite Motel with this Mr. Evans?"

"Well, yes," acknowledged Mary with a sniff, "but I couldn't help it."

"Couldn't help it?" asked the lawyer derisively. "How's that?"

"Mr. Evans deceived me."

"Exactly what do you mean?"

"See, when we signed in," she explained, "He told the motel clerk I was his wife."

The blondes at the university led by Suzy , were tired of not fitting in. They were tired of other students assuming they were just stupid bimbo's. They wanted somewhere where they felt they belonged.

So Suzy pressured the administration to set up a new Department especially for them. The university agreed and set up the Blonde Education Department.

Suzy and the blondes were ecstatic to have a department of their own where they could gather without being ridiculed. They felt they really belonged now. They wanted other students to see that they weren't just stupid bimbo's -- after all, they now had their own department at the university.

So they now all proudly wear the official sweatshirt of the Blonde Education Department designed by Suzy which sports the saying: "I Belong in B.E.D."

There is something that is troubling Laloo for a couple of days. So he seeks some advice from some of his educated friends.

he calls all of his friends and tells them his problem "friends,

i have a meeting with Bill clinton in a couple of days on how to make Bihaar a better place, but the problem is that

i do not know how to speak in english."

so all his friends decide to teach him something to say to bill clinton

they tell him that when he shakes hands with clinton then say "hi! how are you?" and

when he says "Good, and you" then say "me too"

laloo gets this in his head and goes to meet clinton

on his arrival at clinton's house, they shake hands but laloo got his english tagled up and said

"hi! who are you"

bill clinton thought this was a joke

Clinton "haha! i'm hillary's husband. And you"

and laloo goes "me too"

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie.
The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.

The genie said,
"Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So...what'll it be?"

The woman did not hesitate. She said,
"I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."


The genie looked at the map and exclaimed,
"Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."


The woman thought for a minute and said,
"Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man."


The genie let out a sigh and said,

"Let me see the f*cking map again."

Munna: Teray ko maaloom hai k cigarette aik tarah say slow poison ka kaam karta hai.

Patient: To mujhay konsa marnay ki jaldi hai


__________________________________________________________

Munna: Apna munn kholo.....

Patient opens his mouth: Aaaaaaaaaaaaa..........

Munna throughs his torch light in his mouth: Hmmmmmmm..... Torch sahi hai.



-------------------------------

Chinkie: Tum hamaisha clinic mien apnay saath meri photo bhi kyun le jaatay ho.

Munna: Apun ko jab bhi koi mushkil aati hai, apun tumhari pic dekh leta hoon aur woh prob. solve ho jaati hai.

Chinkie: Dekha! Mien tumharay liye kitni achi aur powerful hoon.

Munna: Haan! Apun teri pic dekhta hai aur apnay aap say bolta hai Is say bari bhi koi problem ho sakti hai bhala.

Raat ka time jab Munna aur chinkie apnay bed room mien so rahay thay to phone ki ghanti baji.

Voice: Aray Doctor sahab jaldi aayeay! Meray betay nay blade kha liya hai

Munna abhi jaanay k liye tayyar hi hota k dobara phone aata hai.

Voice: Doctor Sahab! Ab aanay ki koi zaroorat nahi, meray husband ko shave k liye doosra blade mil gaya hai.



-------------------------------

Aanand jab end mien bachon ko story sunata hai to bolta hai;

Aanand: Munna nay kaha tha k woh mujhay aik month mien meray feet pay khara kar de ga

Bachay: Phir?

Aanand: Phir kya, mujhay us ka bill pay karnay k liye apni car bechna pari.

Patient: Doctor aap ko yakeen hai k mujhay Namoonia (pneumonia) hai, kyun k pichlay dino aik doctor meri friend ka Namoonia ka ilaaj karta raha aur woh Typhoid say mar gayi.

Munna: Haan ray meray ko akha yaqeen hai, tu namoonia say hi maray ga.



-------------------------------

Aik patient Munnabhai k paas aaya, Munna nay us ka chekup kiya aur bola

Munna: Tumharay pass ziyada waqt nahi hai

Patient: Meray pass kitna time hai.

Munna: Dus (10)

Patient: Kya Dus.... Minute..... Ghantay.......... Din......?

Munna: No (9), Aath (, Saat (7),.......

Munna: Bolay to Apun ko tera operation dobara karna paray ga.

Kyun k apun kay rubber k gloves teray andar hi reh gaye hain.

Patient: Agar yeh baat hai to mujhay jaanay do.

Mien tumharay gloves ki payment kar doon ga.





------------------------------

Munna: Bolay to darad kahan hai aapko.

Patient (F): Pooray badan mien hai

Munna: Yeh kaisay ho sakta hai ray, kuch detail batao.

Patient: Tocuhes her right knee and says here, then touches her earlobe and says here, then touches her left cheek and says here, etc.

Munna: Aesay hi khaali peeli tension de reli hai, teri finger mien dard hai.

Munna: Abay Circuit! Jaa baajo walay ghar say Doctor ko bula k laa, meri tabiat kharab ho reli hai.

Circuit: Aey Bhai ! aap to khud doctor ho.

Munna: Bolay to meri fees buhat zyada hai.

Munna: Meray paas aik buri khabar hai, aur aik buhat hi buri khabar hai teray wastay.

Patient: Acha to pehlay buri khabar suna daal.

Munna: Apun k paas jo teri report pahunchi us mien likha tha k teray paas sirf 24 ghantay hain zinda rehnay k liye.

Patient: Sirf 24 ghantay. is say buri khabar kya ho sakti hai.

Munna: (Jadu ki Japhhi Dalte Hoauy) Mien kal say teray tak pahunchnay ki koshish kar raha hoon.

Munna Bhai nay pehlay din office khola to bara khush tha. Us ki secertary nay bataya k bahar aik aadmi aaya hai.

Munna bahut khush hua aur usay andar aanay k liye kaha. Us k andar aanay say pehlay Munna nay socha k us par impression dalna chahiye aur phone utha k batien karnay laga.

Haan Haan! 500 rupay fees hai, apun 10 baje tak betha hai idher, is say late nahi karnay ka, apun bahut busy hai .

Us k baad us nay phone rakha aur aanay walay say poocha Beth na Maamoon, apun teray liye kya kar sakta hai?

Man: Mien phone sahi karnay aaya hoon.

Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back,just before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed that the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway. The first one did not have anything to blot herself with, so she took her panties off, used them and discarded them. The second, not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my panties…" so she used the ribbon of a nearby flower wreath.

The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: "We have to be on the look-out; it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties…"

The other one responded: "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her butt that read, "We will never forget you."

A man comes back from office to find his wife having sex with a stranger.

He screams at her, 'What do you think you are doing?'

The wife stops and turns to the man in bed with her, 'See, I told you he was stupid.'

woman guest approaches the bar in a small restaurant.

She calls the guy at the bar and when he is standing in front of her, she asks him in a very seductive way to come nearer. Then she bends over the desk and starts to caress his beard. 'Are you the owner of this place?' she asks and touches tenderly his cheek.

'Ehhh. No. Not at all!' he replies.

'Would you please call him here?' the lady asks and gently touches his hair.

'Oh, I'm very sorry. But no. Impossible!' the man sighs.

'Would you then please do me a great favour?' the lady asks and follows gently the line of his lips.

'Of course. What ever you wish!' the man moans.

'I want to leave a message for the boss!' she says and let first one - then two - fingers slip into his mouth which he gently sucks on.

'What message?' he asks with the two fingers in his mouth.

'Please tell him that there is no paper, nor soap, nor towel in the lady's room!'

Teacher:Whats ur name?

Boy:Tata Indicom

Techer:What can you read?

Boy:Hutch ka chota recharge sirf 10 rs me

Teacher:apki life ka kya hoga?

Boy:Spice hai to life hai

Teacher:Tum apni life mai karna kya chahte ho?

Boy:Kar lo dunia muthi me

teacher:Class se bahar chlay jao

Boy:Aisi aazadi aur kahan

A newly married man was standing in front of a mirror naked and was admiring his physique.

'2 inches more & I will be a king.'

Suddenly the wife comes in and says,'2 inches less and you will be a queen!'

sardar:- mistriji Bed majbut banana mere munde nu bahu pe chadna hai.
mistri:- aisa majbut bed banaunga ki sara mohalla bahu pe chad jaye to bhi kuch nahi tutega.




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A 16 yrs girl to old man---- uncleji lun..  seedha fudi mein dalo na niche bund mein slip ho raha hai
old man jan de kuriye jan de bhen chod nu gu khan di aadat hai.

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A FRND IS A TISSUE VN U CAN'T STOP CRYING,

A FRND IS A SHOULDER VN U FEEL LIKE DYING,

A FRND ALWAYS LISTENS VN U HAV SUMTHING 2 SAY,

A FRND IS A WEEK VN U NEED JUST A DAY,

A FRND IS A CRUTCH VN U HAV A BROKEN HEART,

A FRND IS SUM GLUE VN EVERY THING FALLS APART,

A FRND IS A SUN VN THE RAIN JUST WON'T STOP,

A FRND IS UR MOM VN U RUN INTO A COP,

A FRND IS A PHONECALL VN U CAN'T LEAVE UR HOME,

A FRND IS A HAND VN U FEEL ALL ALONE,

A FRND IS A WING IF U WANT TO FLY,

A FRND UNDERSTANDS WITHOUT KNOWING WHY,

A FRND IS AN EAR FOR A SWEET TO TELL,

A FRND IS AN ASPIRIN VN UR HEAD HURTS LIKE HELL,

A FRND IS A LUV THAT CAN NVR LET GO,

A FRND IS U & I WANT U TO KNOW !

PREMI:Abewafa tune mera DIL jalakar rakh kar diya.

PRMIKA:Teri kurbani bekar nahin jaye gi bhej de rakh bartan majne ke kam ayegi


...................................................................................................................

One Sardar was enjoying Sun on a Beach in UK.

A lady came and asked him, " Are you relaxing"

Sardar answered '" No I am Banta Singh"

Another Guy Came and asked the same Question.

Sardar answered " No No Me ! Banta Singh"

Third one came and asked the same

question, Sardar was totally annoyed and decided to

shift his place.

While walking he saw another Sardar

enjoying the Beach.

He went and asked him " Are you Relaxing?". The other Sardar was much educated and answered "Yes I am relaxing.

The Sardar slapped him on

his face and said "Idiot, they are all searching for you and you are sitting here"

2nd Final: Australia v India at Brisbane, Mar 4, 2008

click on the link below to have a look of scorecard for 2nd Final: Australia v India at Brisbane, Mar 4, 2008<

<a href="http://content-www.cricinfo.com/cbs/engine/current/match/291372.html" >2nd Final: Australia v India at Brisbane, Mar 4, 2008</a>

Either with Butter

Either with cutter

When u forgot me,

u will Definetly fall in gutter


HA..HA..HA!

SON: WHAT DO YOU I WRITE ABOUT MY MOTHER TOUNG?

DAD: VERY LONG

*********************************************************

BHIKARI: SAHAB EK RUPAIYA DEDO

SAHAB : TUJE SHARAM NAHI ATI ROAD PAR KHADE HO KAR BHIKH MANGTE HO,

BHIKARI:ABE TERE EK RUPAIYE KE LIYE KYA OFFICE KHOLU


 ****************************************************

SANTA:PEOPLE CONSIDER ME AS "GOD"

BANTA:HOW DO YOU KNOW??

SANTA:WHEN I WENT TO PARK TODAY,

EVERYBODY SAID,OH GOD! U VE COME AGAIN.

****************************************

Kaisi thi woh raat kuch keh sakta nahi main
Chahoon kehna to bayan kar sakta nahi mai,

Dulhan ban ke meri jab woh bahoon main aayee thi
Sej saji thi phoolon ki,par us ne mehkai thi,

Ghunghat mein ik chand tha,aur sirf tanhai thi
Awaaz dil ke dhadak ne ki bhi,phir zor se aayee thi,

Pyar se jo maine ghunghat chand par se hataya tha
Pyar ka rang bhi utarkar,uske chehre par aya tha,

Bahoon mein le kar usko,phir laboo ki lali churai thi
Us sard raat mein saanse bhi shola ban kar takrai thi,

Tika,bindi,kangna,

payal sabne shor machaya tha
Jab uske shokh badan ko maine haath lagaya tha,

Doob gaye the hum dono,us dehekti pyar ki aag mein
Tod diya tha hum ne kaliyo ko,uske pyar ke baag mein,

Kya batlaaye ab hum,woh raat kis kadar nirali thi
Hamare suhag ki woh raat,jo itni matwali thi,...................