Friday, February 29, 2008

Highlights of Union Budget 2008-09

Union Finance Minister P Chidambaram presented his fifth Budget in Parliament on Friday.

Following are the highlights:

* Changes in I-T slab. Threshold of exemption for all Income Tax assesses raised from from 1,10,000 to 1,50,000.
* Every income tax assessees to get relief of minimum of Rs 4,000.
* No change in rate of surcharge.
* New tax slabs will be: 10 per cent for 150,000 to 300,000, 20 per cent for 300,000 to 500,000 and 30 per cent above 500,000.
* For women, the income tax limit goes up from Rs 1.45 lakh to Rs 1.80 lakh. In case of senior women citizens, it increases from Rs 1.95 lakh to Rs 2.25 lakh.
* Fresh facilities, encouragement to sports and guest houses exempted from Fringe Benefit Tax.
* Five year tax holiday for setting up hospitals in tier II and tier III regions for providing healthcare in rural areas from April 1, 2008.
* Five year tax holiday for promoting cultural tourism.
* Short-term capital gains increases to 15 per cent.
* Commodities Transaction Tax to be introduced on the lines of Securities Transaction Tax.
* Banking cash transaction tax withdrawn from April one, 2009.
* Direct tax proposals to be revenue neutral. Indirect tax proposals to result in loss of Rs 5,000 crore.
* Rs 500 crore for corpus fund to subsidise all women Self Help Groups for LIC [Get Quote] cover for permanent disability.
* Agricultural loans given by scheduled commercial banks, regional rural banks and cooperative credit institutions up to March 31, 2007 and due for December 31 that year will be covered under the waiver scheme to address the problem of indebtedness.
* No change in corporate income tax.
* To protect tigers, Rs 50 crore for National Tiger Conservation Programme. Bulk of it to be used to raise Tiger Protection Force.
* Plan expenditure fixed at Rs 2,43,000 crore and non plan expenditure at 5,74,000 crore.
* Fiscal deficit pegged at 3.1 per cent and revenue deficit at 1.4 per cent.
* Tax to GDP ratio increased from 9.2 per cent in 2004-05 to 12.5 per cent 2007-08.
* No change in peak rate of customs duty for non
* Customs duty on specified life saving drugs reduced from ten per cent to five per cent.
* Special Countervailing Duty on power imports.
* Customs duty on specified sports goods machinery down from 7.5 per cent to five per cent.
* Duty withdrawn on naptha for production of polymers.
* Duty on crude and unrefined sulphur reduced from five to 2 per cent to help raise domestic fertiliser production.
* General Centvat on all goods to be reduced from 16 per cent to 14 per cent. Excise duty reduced from 16 per cent to eight per cent on all pharmaceutical goods manufacture.
* Excise duty on small cars reduced to 12 per cent from 16 per cent and hybrid cars to 14 per cent.
* Excise duty reduced from 16 to 8 per cent on water purification items.
* Duty on non filter cigarettes to be raised.
* Asset management service under mutual funds, services by stock exchanges to be brought under Services Tax net.
* Threshold for small service providers raised from Rs eight lakh to Rs 10 lakh.
* Allocation for defence to be increased by 10 per cent from Rs 96,000 crore to Rs 1,05,600 crore.
* 75 lakh people to be covered by health insurance scheme.
* Allocation for Textile Upgradation Fund to be more than doubled.
* Micro, small and medium enterprises to continue to get special attention.
* Risk Capital Fund to be set up in SIDBI.
* PAN requirement to be extended to all transactions in capital market subject to a threshold.
* Rs 750 crore for upgradation of 300 ITIs in 25 districts.
* Rs 32,676 crore as subsidy to Public Distribution System.
* PDS through smart cards in Haryana and Chandigarh on pilot basis.
* Three schemes to be introduced for providing social security to unorganised sector workers.
* Sixth central pay commission to submit report by March 31, 2008.
* Rs 624 crore allocated for Commonwealth Games
* Farmers' debt to be waived
* Complete waiver of loans for marginal farmers owning land up to one hectare and small farmers owning land up to 1 and 2 hectares.
* Agricultural loans given by scheduled commericial banks, regional rural banks and cooperative credit institutions up to March 31, 2007 and due for December 31 that year will be covered under the waiver scheme to address the problem of indebtedness.
* One time settlement of loans for other farmers.
* Agriculture loans restructured and rescheduled by banks from 2004-06 and other loans normally rescheduled under RBI guidelines will also be eligible under the waiver scheme.
* Implementation of debt waiver and debt relief will be completed by June 30 this year.
* Loan waiver scheme to involve loans liability of Rs 60,000 crore and to benefit four crore farmers.
* By loan waiver scheme, the country is discharging a deep debt and sense of gratitude to farmers, says Chidambaram.
* The corpus of rural infrastructure development fund to be raised to Rs 14,000 crore.
* More reforms needed in coal and electricity sectors to ensure double digit growth in manufacturing sector.
* Rs 800 crore for accelerated power reforms programme.
* National Fund for Transmission and Distribution Reforms to be launched.
* The loan waiver scheme will benefit three crore small and medium farmers and cover loans totalling Rs 50,000 crore.
* One crore other farmers will benefit to the tune of Rs 10,000 crore in the waiver.
* Foreign investment of 3.5 to 8 billion dollars expected for exploration and development of new oil blocks.
* Rs 7,200 crore to be allocated to the Ministry of Women and Child Development, marking an increase of 24 per cent.
* Rs 500 crore for corpus fund to subsidise all women Self Helf Groups for LIC cover for permanent disability.
* A target of Rs 2.80 lakh crore for agriculture credit set for the coming year.
* Rs 20,000 crore for irrigation projects under AIPB, showing an increase of Rs 9,000 crore over last year.
* National Horticulture Mission to be given Rs 1,100 crore in 2008-09 with special focus on coconut cultivation.
* Rs 75 crore to be given to Agriculture Ministry for providing mobile soil testing laboratories in 250 districts.
* Rs 644 crore for National Agriculture Insurance Scheme, which will be continued pending evolving an alternative crop insurance scheme.
* National Plant Protection Training Institute at Hyderabad to be made autonomous body and Rs.29 crore will be allocated to it.
* A scheme of debt waiver and relief for small and marginal farmers announced.
* NREGA scheme to be rolled out in all the 596 rural districts in the country in 2008-09.
* Jawaharlal Nehru Urban Renewal Mission to get Rs 6,865 crore this year against Rs 5,482 crore past year.
* Allocation for Rajiv Gandhi Drinking Water Mission to be increased to Rs 7,300 crore. Rs 200 crore for potable water in schools.
* Rs 300 crore to be set aside for desalination plant in Chennai for drinking water.
* Rs 500 crore for identifying urgent needs of development programmes of border areas like Arunachal Pradesh.
* SC, ST and minority students to continue to get special attention.
* Allocation for several schemes in North East raised from Rs 14,365 crore to Rs 16,400 crore.
* Rs 75 crore sanctioned for Rajiv Gandhi National Fellowship Programme for SC/ST students pursuing M.Phil.
* Rs 230 crore will be extended as additional equity to developmental organisations looking after the welfare of SC,
* ST, socially and economically backward classes and minorities.
* Allocation for Minority Affairs Ministry to be doubled from Rs 500 crore to Rs 1,000 crore.
* Rs 540 crore for multi-sectoral development plan for minority concentration districts.
* 288 public sector bank branches to be opened in districts having minority community concentration.
* Sarva Shiksha Abhiyan will be provided Rs 13,100 crore, Mid Day Meal scheme Rs 8,000 crore, Secondary education Scheme Rs 4,554 crore.
* 410 additional Kasturba Gandhi Vidyalaya to be set up in backward blocks.
* Navodaya Vidyalayas to be opened in 20 districts with special focus on regions having SC/ST concentration.
* Allocation of Rs 130 crore for this purpose. Rs.750 crore more to be given for merit scholarship to students up to 10th and 12th class.
* Mid day Meal scheme extended to upper primary level in 3479 schools. 16 central universities to be opened in 2008-09.
* Three IITs to be set up in Andhra Pradesh, Bihar and Rajasthan.
* Schools of architecture and planning in Bhopal and Vijaywada. More institutes of higher education to be opened.
* Rs 100 crore to be given to Information Technology Ministry to set up national knowledge centres.
* Allocation for NRHM increased to Rs 12,050 crore
* Rs 992 crore for national AIDS programme.
* A national programme for the elderly to be started at a cost of Rs. 400 crore.
* Rashtra Swasthya Beema Yojana to start from April one in Delhi and Haryana. Rs 30,000 for each family belonging to unorganised sector.
* Allocation for ICDS increased to Rs 6300 crore.
* Rs 85 crore sanctioned for scholarships to students pursuing science education.
* Indian Institutes of Science Education and Research to be set up at Bhopal and Thiruvananthapuram.
* Agriculture credit doubled in the first two years of the government to reach Rs.2.40 lakh crore by March 2008.
* Eleventh Plan started on a robust growth.
* Gross budgetary support to be raised to Rs 2,43,386 crore, an increase of more than Rs 38,000 crore from the current level.
* Allocation for Bharat Nirman to be raised to Rs 31,280 crore.
* Twenty per cent hike in education budget this year from Rs 28,674 crore to Rs 34,400 crore.
* GDP growth slows down to 8.4 per cent during quarter ended December 31, 2007 as compared to 9.1 per cent a year ago.
* Economy grew over eight per cent over 12 successive quarters since 2005, says Finance Minister P Chidambaram.
* Growth rate of agricultre extimated at 2.6 per cent during the current year.
* Services and manufacturing sectors expected to grow by 10.7 per cent and 9.4 per cent, says Chidambaram.
* Keeping inflation under check is one of the cornerstones of the Government's policy.
* Rice production estimiated at 94.08 million tonnes, maize 16.78 mt, soyabean 9.45 mt and cotton 23.38 million bales.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

American says: " US mein shaadi E-mail se hoti hai.."


Sardarji says: " India me to.. shaadi Fe-mail se hoti hai...!!!"

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Teacher: A for?

Sardar: Apple

Teacher: Jor se bolo?

Sardar: Jay mata di.

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A Sardar enters shop shouts, Where is my free gift with this oil?

Shopkeeper: Iske Saath koi gift nahin hai bhai saab �?o

Sardar : Oye ispe likha hai CHOLESTROL FREE.

=================================================


One tourist from U.S.A. asked to Sardar: Any great man born in this village?

Sardar: no sir, only small Babies!!!

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Sardarji aapko bus me logo ne kyu mara?

Sardarji: Are yaar mere photo bus me niche gir gay i aur mene kaha madam jara sari upper kijiye photo lena hai.....



==============================================


Sardar wanted to make a STD. call to punjab,

He wanted to save money so what did he do?

Simple, he went to punjab and made a local call..

========================================

Santa went to mysore palace.

Tourist guide - santaji plz dont sit there, its Tipu sultan's chair

Santa - oye dont worry yaar i'll get up when he comes.!!..

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Sardar: Darling, years ago u had a figure like Coke bottle.

Jeeto: Yes darling I still do, only differnece is earlier it was 300ml

now it's 1.5 ltr.


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A donkey kicked sardar & ran away

sardar ran to catch the donkey. He saw a zebra & started beating it & said 'SALA Tracksuit pahan ke dhoka de raha hai'.

========================================


SLAM BOOK filled by Santa.


1.Strength:My wife,Jeeto.


2.Weakness:Banta' s wife,Preeto.


3.Oppurtunity: When Banta is on tour.


4.Threat:When I am on tour


========================================

chehre ki hasi se har gam ko chupayo

boht kuch bolo par kuch na batao

khud na rotho kabhi par sab ko manao

yahi raaj hai zindagi ka bas jite hi jao


*********************************************************************

gujri hoyi zindgi ko kabhi yaad na kar

takdeer me jo likha hai uski faryaad na kar

jo hoga wo hokar hi rahega

tu fiker me apni hasi barbaad na kar

*******************************************************************

Adhuri hai dil ki mehfil aapke bina,

adhura hai har dil kash nazara aapke bina,

aankhon me nahi dil me utar kar dekho,

khamosh si hai meri dhadhkan aapke bina


When TITANIC was sinking, a Sardarji asks man, how far is LAND?

man: 2kms....

Sardarji jumps into THE sea & asks: which way?

man: DOWNWARDS.


========================================================

Santa dials a number. A girl receives the call.

Santa: Who r u?

Girl: Seeta here.

Santa: Maine to Chandigarh phone kiya tha, yeh to Ayodhya mil gaya

=========================================================



Banta:
Truck dekhkar tum kaampte kyon ho?

Santa: Ek truck driver meri biwi lekar bhaag gaya tha, har baar lagta hai jaise usko vapas karne aya hai.


==============================================

Pathan sitting on the top of the mountain and studying.

When a person asked what he was doing?

He replied, Oye! higher studies yaar.


==============================================

2 sardars were fighting after exam.

Sir: Y r u fighting?

1 Sardar: This fool left the answer sheet blank,

Sir: So what?

1 Sardar: Even i did the same thing, now teacher will think that we both copied..

==============================================


A sardar learning english introduces his family in the party:

Hi! I am sardar,

this is my sardarni,

he is my kid,

& she is my kidney.

==============================================

Sardar 1: I'm very kanjoos, I went 2 honeymoon alone & saved 1/2 money.

Sardar 2: You r nothing I saved all my money, my friend was going & I sent my wife with him

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =





dosti ke bina ye zindagi kam lagti hai...
dost na ho to khushiyaan bhi gam lagti hai.
hai dosti ye cheez aisi....
dost ki maujudgi me zakhm bhi marham lagti hai...

----------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------------

tanhaai ki mehfil me gam pina sikha diya,
dost teri dosti ne akele jina sikha diya...
tarse to the teri muskurahat ke liye sirf teen din,
in 3 dino ne mujhe mahina dikha diya....

----------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------------

nafrat ki aag me jung ka elaan hota hai.
dosti ke khazane se muhobbat baya hota hai.
aise dosti ke paigham se yaaron.

insaan ye shaitaan se khuda hota hai..

----------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------------


teri dosti ne aise mehfil saja diya,
rote hue ki bhi taqdeer bana diya,
kahi naa mile hame itna aasra,
humne apne ghar ko bhula diya.


Wednesday, February 27, 2008

The Story So Far...

Santa Singh has answered 12 out of the 15 questions correct and has used all his lifelines except for "50-50" and "Phone a Friend"... Santa Singh is playing the 13 th Question now which is for 25 Lacs. Let's see what happens next... J



Amitabh Bachchan: Apka 13 th question 25 lakh ke liye, yeh raha aapke saamne aapki Computer Screen par...

Santa Singh gets Tense...



Amitabh Bachchan: Who is the father of Abhishek Bachchan? Your options are...

a. Amitabh Bachchan
b. dharmendra
c. gabbar(amjad khan)
d. sanjeev kumar


Amitabh Bachchan: To Santa Singh Jee kya Jawaab hai aapka? [He's quite sure that Santa will opt for option A]

But Santa is surprisingly still confused...

Amitabh Bachchan: Aapke paas abhi bhi do life line baaki hai.... 50-50 and phone a friend.. Agar aap chahe to unhe use kar sakte hain. Wo aap hi ke liye banaayi gayee hai.
Santa Singh: I think it is A, but I'm not sure.
Amitabh Bachchan: Not sure, Hmmm... Aap kya karna chahenge?
Santa Singh: I would like to use 50-50...
Amitabh Bachchan: Ok Computer Jee, Kripya 2 galat javab mita deejiye...



Computer deletes two names, and leaves the following options:

a.
b. dharmendra
c.
d. sanjeev kumar



Now Amitabh Bachchan gets confused and worriedly thinks if the Computer is actually right or has got some bug!. Santa Singh gets all the more Confused after the 50-50 Lifeline...

Santa Singh: I would like to use my last life line too - Phone A Friend...
Amitabh Bachchan: Aap kisse baat karna chahenge!?
Santa Singh: Main aapki Misej [Mrs.] Jaya Bachan Ji ko phone karna chahoonga...

Amitabh Bachchan Faints !!! But the Call gets connected to Jaya Bachchan [Thanks to AirTel J ]...

Santa Singh: "Jayaji, Who is the father of Abhishek Bachchan!?"

receiving reply from JAYA Santa faints..


GUESS WHY????????? ??




Options kya hai ?

kuch faisala to ho k kidhar jana chahiye

pani ko ab to sar se guzar jana chahiye

har bar aeriyon pe gira hai mera lahu

maqtal main ab ba-tarz-e-digar jana chahiye

kya chal saknge jin ka faqat mas"la ye hai

jane se pahle rakht-e-safar jana chahiye

sara jwar-bhata mere dil main hai magar

ilzam ye bhi chand k sar jana chahiye

jab bhi gaye azab-e-dar-o-bam tha wahi

akhir ko kitni der se ghar jana chahiye

tohamat laga k man pe jo dushman se dad le

aise sukhanfarosh ko mar jana chahiye

Monday, February 25, 2008

Tum aa gaye ho ; Noor aa gaya hai
Chalo teeno picture challe.....



Door se dekha to kuchh dikha nahi......
Dooor se dekhaaa.. to kuchh dikha nahi....
Paas jake dekhaa to kuchh tha hi nahi.

Voh Sadak Ke Us Paar Thi Hum Sadak Ke Is Paar The
Kuch Hum Aage Badhe, Kuch Voh Aage Badhi
Hum Kuch Aur Aage Badhe, Voh Bhi Kuch Aur Aage Badhi
Hum Aur Bhi Aage Badhe, Voh Bhi Aur Aage Badhi
Ab Hum Sadak Ke Us Paar Hein, Aur Voh Sadak Ke Is Paar
Hein.

Bewafa sanam se to cigarette achhi hai,
Bewafa sanam se to cigarette achhi hai,
Dil jalati hai, par hoto se to lagti hai.


Once, a person by chance fell down into a well. In the mean time, a drunken man was going through the place and he saw and started to tell the person who was hardly saving his life catching something inside the well:-
"You have not seen this well. You don't know if you fell down inside the well you can die. You can't walk looking what is infront of you ?????.......etc... etc"
The person from inside the well was shouting:-
"ARE BHAI PEHLE TO MERA JAAN BACHAO. NASHIHAT BAD MEI DENA. NAHITO MAIN MAR JAUNGA" (Firstly save my life. Advice can be delivered later also)




Friday, February 22, 2008

Teacher : Paul, what is the chemical formula of Water?

Student : H,I,J,K,L,M,N,O

Teacher : What is this?

Student : Well!! you said it is H2O.
Teacher : There is a frog,Ship is sinking,potatoes cost Rs 3/kg .Then,what is my age?

Student : 32 yrs.

Teacher : How do you know?

Student : Well,my sister is 16 yrs old and she is half mad.



Teacher : How old is ur father.

Student : As old as I am.

Teacher : How is it possible?

Student: He became father only after I was born.

Teacher : "Can anyone give me an example of Coincidence?"

Student : "Sir, my mother and father got married on the same day same time."



EK DARR KA MAHAL MEI JITA HOON
PAL PAL DARR KA AGOSH MEI JATA HOON
KUCH NAHI MILA
KUCH MIL KE KHO JANA
KUCH MIL KE BICHURNA
NAHI MILNE KA DARD MEI
HAR WAQT HAR PAL
ZINDEGI KO EK BOJ SAMAJNE LAGA HOON
KISISE KHOPHA HOON
KYU HOON KYON HAI WOH
KUCH ASAMAJASNMYATA MEI HOON
KYA BHAGWAN SE HOON
KHYOV AUR KHOFA
DUKH GUM AUR DARD SE
AB TO MAIN AAPNA DUNIYA BASALIYA HOON
JI TO LUNGA MAGAR ZINDEGI KE ZAHAR KA GHUT PI KAR
KISI KI NASEEB MEI SUKH CHAIN AUR SUKUN
KISI KI NASEEB MEI DUKH DARD AUR GUM
ISI KO SAYAD KEHTE HAI
NASEEB APNA APNA




Dur rehkar kareeb rehne ki aadat hai,
yaad bankar aankho se behne ki aadat hai,
kareeb na hote hue bhi kareeb paoge,
mujhe ehsaas bankar rehne ki aadat hai.

Jinke liye hum yaha khud ko jala rahe hai,
woh dur humse kahi khushiyan mana rahe hai,
jinki judai hamare jaan pe aayi,
wo apni zindagi saja rahe hai.




Dil thodna jinki aadat ho,
woh dil lagana kya jaane,
bewafai ki aag jisme ho,
wo pyaar nibhana kya jaane,
dur rehkar jo khush ho,
wo tanhai ka gham kya jaane....

What A Family



MAN:boy, whats your dad's name?

BOY:his name is LAUGHING..

.
.
.
.
.

MAN:and yoursmother's name?

BOY:SMILING..

.
.
.

MAN:you must be kidding...

BOY:no, thats my brother..

.
.
.

I am JOKING..!

*******


Thursday, February 21, 2008

If you are well dressed,
She thinks you are play boy.
If you are not,
She thinks you are a begger.


If you kiss her,
She thinks you r not a gentleman.
If you don't,
She thinks you are not a man.


If you praise her,
She thinks you are a lier.
If u don't she thinks,
You are good for nothing.


If you visit her often,
She thinks u are boring.
If you don't she accuses,
You for double crossing.


If u visit another girl,
She accuses you for being cheat.
If she is visited by another guy,
She says "oh..! its natural! we are girls..!


If you propose love within a brief time,
You are a freash guy.
If you propose love later,
She wonders why

If you are jealous,
She says its bad.
If your not she doubts ,
Your love and is not glad.

If you attempt romance,
She thinks you don't respect her.
If you don't,
She thinks you don't like her.


If you listen ,
She wants to talk.
If you wanna talk,
She also wants to talk.


Oh women..! you are so simple,
Yet so complex....


You are so weak,
Yet so powerful.....
Your so confusing ,
Yet so desirable!

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Sardar: Yaar ek Ladki Mujko hans ke Dekh Rahi Hai "

Friend : " Dhyan Se Dekh.... Hans ke dekh rahi hai ya Dekh ke hans rahi hai.....

one sardar to other: Do u know, my grand mother has words bigest garden. no one do ahve in this word.

secon sardar to fisrt: it nothing, but my gandpa has tallest pole in the word, no one have like that.

first counter questioned to other: u cheeting, tell me where ur gandpa keep it.

second: obviously in your gandmother's garden

Two blondes were driving down the road.

The blonde driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working.

So the blonde looks out the window and says, ''Yes. No. Yes. No.''

A Beautiful Girl's T-Shirt having a Picture of Car Mirror on it.

Do you know what is the message that she wants to express?


"Objects inside the T-Shirt is Larger than they appear...!!!

"EK BAAR LADKIYON NE LADKO KI SHIKYAT KI,

KE JUZZ SAAB LADKE ' TANG ' KARTE HAIN,

AAKHIR LADKE THEY UNHONE BADI HI VINMARITA SE KAHA

JUZZ SAAB YEH HUM PAR SARA SAR JHOOTHA ILZAAM HAI,

"HUM TOH ' TANG ' KO 'KHULI' KARTE HAIN.

Teacher asks kid

WT R D LATEST VARSION OF JAVA?

kid says MARJAVA MITJAVA LUTJAVA ISHQ ME DIL KYA JAAN

V NAAM TERE KARJAVA............

GABBAR TO KALIYA : KITNE ADMI THE REY


KALIYA : MUJE KYA PATA HUJUR MEIN TO AURTEN AUR LADKIYAN GIN RAHA THA


Three friends were standing in a railway platform and chatting with each other seriously.
A train arrived at the platrom. They didnt care about the train and continued their talk. When the train started moving, one of the guy noticed and told that the train is moving. They ran towards the train and two of them managed to get in to the compartment. The guy who couldnt board the train sat on the bench in the platform. Another who is watching asked him what happened. Then he told that I was supposed to catch the train . The othe guy told, dont worry one more train is coming shortly towards the same direction. The guy answered in a gllomy way. " Actually I wanted to board the train and other two friends came to see off me"
kutta is better than man

HUSBAND WIFE SE: SHADI KE BAD ZINDAGI KUTTON KI TARAH HO GAYI HAI,

WIFE:KUTTE SE KYA BARABRI KAROGE, WOH TO I HR TAK CHU... MAIN FSA K RAKHATA HAI TUMHARI TOH I MIN. MAIN GAN... PHAT JATI HAI.
twins in mother womb

first: Dekho papa aagaye

Second: Kiske tere ya mere

First: Jo raat me aate hai asli papa

second: nahee kyunki vo kabhie raincoat nahee pehente

First: Haa aur maa itne maze me nahee rehte hai asli papa se.

Second: Haa ye mere aur tere bhi nahee hai ye naye papa hai



XXXXX trail;-


advocate to vicitim;-kya aap bata sakati hain who aadmi kaun tha?

vicitim:koi bahar ka tha

adv: kyo ?...

vct: itna bada hamare mohalle main kisi ka nahin.


Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Bhai Ka Resume


Pakya Bhai Supariwala urf Yeda Khopadi



Objective:

To obtain a challenging position as a Crime Implementation Analyst (CIA)


Education:


* B.S. (Crime Technology) Tihar Jail, India, August 1994

* M.S. (Criminal Sciences ) Virginia Prison for International Smugglers and the Unlawful Activists(VPISUA), August 1996.



Thesis:

"On escaping from high security prisons like Alcatraz with minimal efforts"



Coursework:

Cop Psychology, Plastic Explosives Technology, Bomb Controls and Timer Device Theory, International Smuggling and Drug Trafficking, Object Oriented Crime Design



Work Experience:

* Research Assistant, LTTE Labs, Jaffna, Aug 1990-Aug 1991

* Worked on the prestigious Belt Bomb project

* Developed instant death cyanide capsules in orange, strawberry; and mint flavors (Patent# 007,13,666)



Summer Internship:

Dawood Ibrahim and Haji Mastan Associates, Bombay , June1987-July1990

* Worked as a hitman and was responsible for many supari style killings

* Participated in election rigging in Bihar and made hafta Collections



Honors & Achievements:

* Won 1980 Gabbar Singh Memorial Award (given to child prodigies in crime)

* Member, IPKF (Indian Professional Killers Forum) student chapter

* Performer of the year in 2004 General Elections in Bihar & U.P.

* Strong hold on Govt. & NGOs.

* Specialized in extortion,illegal construction business & fake academic degree supply.


As the crowded elevator descended down Bihar Bhavan, Rabri Devi became increasingly furious with her husband, Laloo Yadav, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous young girl. As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the beautiful girl suddenly whirled, slapped Laloo, and said, 'That will teach you to pinch!'

Bewildered, Laloo Yadav was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, 'I... I... didn't pinch that girl.'

'Of course you didn't,' said Rabri, consolingly. 'I did.'

One Bengali Babu went to Cannought Place in New Delhi to purchase an umbrella. He had been told in Calcutta that one could bargain for better prices in Delhi also. Bengali Baboo: How much does this umbrella cost?

Shopkeeper: Rs. 200

Bengali Babu: Can I have it for Rs. 100?

Shopkeeper: Ok I'll give it to you for Rs.150.

Bangali Babu: Well can I have it for Rs. 75 then?

Shopkeeper: OK, take it for Rs. 100.

Bangali Babu: Can I have it for Rs. 50?

Ths shopkeeper is pretty angry now: Why don't you take it for free??!!

Bengali Babu: OK, can I have two of them?

An American attorney had just finished a guest lecture at a law school in India when a young Indian lawyer approached him and asked, 'Is it true that a person can fall down on a sidewalk in your county and then sue the landowners for lots of money?'

When told that it was true, the lawyer turned to his partner and started speaking rapidly in Hindi. When they stopped, the American attorney asked if they wanted to go to America to practice law.

'No, no,' he replied. 'We want to go to America and fall down on sidewalks.'

What does a Malayali use to commute to office
everyday?

-An Oto.




Who is Malayali's fyamousu eactor end aectress?

- Geedha, Revadhi, Zilgsmidha end Ambiga.



Who found out that?

-His aandy.




What does a Malayali do when he goes to America?

-He changes his name from Karunakaran to Kevin
Curren.



Why did the Malayali go to the concert in Rome?

-Because he wanted to hear pope music.




What is Malayali management graduate called?

-Yem Bee Yae.





Why did his wife divorce him?

- Because he was louwing another woman.




Why did the Malayali buy an air-ticket?

-To go to Thuubai, zimbly to meet his ungle in the Gelff.




Why do Malayali's go to the Gelff?

-To yearn money.




What did the Malayali do when the plane caught fire?


-He zimbly jembd out of the vindow.

Name the wronly part of the world, where Malayalis don't work hard?

-Kerala




Why is industrial productivity so low in Kerala?

-Because 86% of the shift time is spent on lifting, folding and re-tying the lungi.






Teacher say to student: Aapne baap ka nam english me bolo?

Student: Beautiful Red underwear.

Teacher: Iska kya matlab? Student: Sunder Lal Chadda
Ek bar chuhe ki bibi ko ek hathi ne ched diya,

chuhe ki bibi hathi ki bibi ke pas jati hai or usse kahti hai ki aapne pati ko samja lo verna dhik nahi hoga kyuki mard hamare ghar me bhi hai.
EK STUDENT THA JO TEACHER KE HAR SAWAL PAR USKI BOLTI BAND KAR DEYA KARTA THA

TO TEACHER NE USKI JHAND KARNE KI PLANING BANAI USNE CLASS KE DUSARE STUDENT SE KAHA KI AAJ MAIN EK SAWAL POOCHUNGA KI

EK AADMI KITNI BALTI UTHA SAKTA HAI TO SABHI KEHNA KI 3 US STUDENT KE AANE KE BAAD WOHI SAWAL POOCHA TO SABHI NE 3 HI JAWAB DIYA

TAB US SE POOCHA TO USNE KAHA 5 TO TEACHER NE POOCHA KAISA TO USNE KAHA 2 MERE HATTON ME

OR JISNE 3 UTHA RAKHI HAI USKO MERE US PAR BETHA LOONGA!

Monday, February 18, 2008

ONE SARDARJI WAS SEARCHING FOR A PLACE TO  XXXXX HER GIRLFRIEND.

FINALLY USKO EK JHAADHI MIL GAYI. AUR SARDAAR  LADHKI KO CHO... LAGA,

BUT HE FOUND IT VERY DIFFICULT  TO  PUSH HIS LU... IN CHO...,

LEKIN LAST MAIN FULL FORCE LAGA KAR daal DIYA.

JAB KAAM KHATAM HOGAYA, SARDARJI BAHUT KHUSH THA KE US NEY VIRGIN KO CH...

SARDAR  ASKED GIRL..." I NEVER THOUGHT YOU ARE VIRGIN, I AM SORRY I HURT YOU". 

YEH SUN KE LADHKI BOLI---IDIOT  TUM ITNA  JALDI MEIN THA, YOU NEVER ALLOWED ME TO PUSH DOWN MY PANTY, TU NE MERI CHADDI MAIN  CHED KAR DIYA!!!
5 girls in swimming pool and all the water gets disappeared... why?
 
ab nayaa whisper zyaada geelapan sukhaaye..!!!


Do : wideshi in a hotal

Vetor  : call vetor

wideshi : two cup tee ,vetor pada likha nahi tha 

Vetor :     tu kupti tera bap kapti, sala mere ko kapti bolta hai 

                 iski jat ka paida maroo.
EK BAR EA ADMI K HATH ME THODI THODI KHUJALI HO RAKI THI

USKA BUS ITANA MALOOM THA KI HATH ME KHUJALI K A MATALAB KUCHH ACHHA HOTA HAI .

WO JAKER JYOTISI SE POOCHHANE LAGA TO JYOTISHI NE KAHA KI ISKA MATALAB HAI KI TERE PASS KUCHH DHAN AANE WALA HAI WO BAHUT KHUSH HUA , TO JYOTISI NE KAHA KI LA 50 Rs.

DOOSARE DIN : WO FIR USI K PASS AYA FIR USNE KAHA KI BABA AB TO Khujali POORE HATH ME HO RAHI HAI TO JYOTISHI NE KAHA KI ISKA MATALAB TERS PASS GADA HUA KHAJANA AANE WALA HAI LA 100 Rs.

Teesare din : wo fir aya our kahane laga ki baba ab to dono hatho me khujali ho rahi iska matalab . to jyotishi ne dekha our kaha ki bhag ja tere khujali hi gai hai kisi doctor ko dikha
Bus ka stand Bus ke Sath Kabhi Nahi Jata

par Cycle ka stand hamesha Cycle ke sath jata hai !.......








There's is small gap between confidence & over confidence.

'U' can kiss ur girlfriend is "Confidence".

"Only u can kiss ur girlfriend is OVER CONFIDENCE

Santa Pilot se head phone

Cheen Raha hota hai....

Pilot : Yeh Kya kar rahe ho ?

Santa: Ticket Hum Dein Aur Gane ( Songs) Tu Akela sune

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Women Fall Catalogue

Once again, the male staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for women of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required.

1. Combatting The Impulse To Nag

2. You Can Change The Oil Too

3. How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste

4. How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug

5. We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas

6. Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness

7. How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football

8. Parenting - Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Other Than Him To Boss Around

9. How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Slop

10. How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right

11. Get A Life - Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself

12. Balancing A Checkbook - Even You Can Get It Right

13. Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility

14. You, The Whining Sex

15. Shopping - Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours

16. If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother

17. How To Close The Garage Door

18. If You Don't Want An Excuse, Don't Demand An Explanation

19. How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia

20. Living Without Power Windows - How To Turn A Crank

21. Romanticism - The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation

22. How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself

23. Why You Don't Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend

24. Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous

25. How To Act Younger Than Your Mother

26. You Too Can Carry A Backpack

27. Female Friendship - Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The Most

28. Learning To Appreciate The Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men

29. Attainable Goal - Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving


Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Men Fall Catalogue

Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required.

1. Combatting Stupidity

2. You Too Can Do Housework

3. Resistance to Beer

4. How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray

5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas (Give Us Credit Cards)

6. Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4:00am

7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (also called "Don't Wash My Silks")

8. You Don't Really Need That Porsche

9. Get A Life - Learn To Cook

10. How Not To Act Like An Idiot When You Are Obviously Wrong

11. Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right

12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence

13. You, The Weaker Sex

14. Reasons To Give Flowers

15. Garbage - Getting It To The Curb

16. You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Please

17. How To Put Down A Toilet Seat

18. Give Me A Break - Why We Know Your Excuses Are Lies

19. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without Getting Lost

20. The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency

21. Helpful Posture Hints For Couch Potatoes

22. Mother-in-Laws Are People Too

23. The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous

24. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children

25. You Too Can Be A Designated Driver

26. Male Bonding: Leave Your Friends At Home

27. Attainable Goal - Omitting Foul Expletives From Vocabulary



Ghanta Singh was drinking at a bar and the bartender came over to tell him he had a telephone call.

Ghanta had just bought another large beer and he didn't want anyone to drink it.

So, he wrote a little sign and left it by his beer that said: 'I spit in my beer.'

When Ghanta Singh returned to the his bar stool there was another note beside his beer:

'I spit in your beer too!'

A women accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said: 'If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die:

1. Each morning , fix him a healthy breakfast.

2. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood.

3. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal.

4. For dinner, prepare him an especially nice meal.

5. Don't burden him with chores as he probably had a hard day.

6. Don't discuss your problems with him.

7. And most importantly, have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim.'

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor said to her. 'You're going to die' she replied.

'Can you explain to me how this lipstick got on your collar?' the suspicious wife sneered.

'No, I can't,' the husband replied. 'I distinctly remember taking my shirt off.'

A man with a terrible sore throat walks into a pharmacy and asks the chemist if he can give him something to relieve it,

and the chemist says: 'Well, I could give you any number of things but they won't really do you much good.

However, I can tell you what I do when I have a bad sore throat like you have.'

'Really? What's that?' asks the man.

'I go straight home and have sex with my wife. I suggest you try that.'

'Sounds great!' says the man, 'Is your wife home now?'

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. 'Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!'

'But why, Mom? I don't want to go.'

'Give me two reasons why you don't want to go.'

'Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!'

'Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready.'

'Give me two reasons why I should go to school.'

'Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!'

Santa Singh was driving along the highway when a police officer pulled him over for speeding. The officer is Banta Singh.

Officer: May I see your licence?

Santa Singh: License? What does it look like?

Officer: Its a rectangular thing with a photo of you on it.

Santa looks around the car for a rectangular piece of object and finds a compact mirror used by his wife in the glove compartnment.

Santa Singh: Here - this is all I have!

Banta Singh opens it up and says: Oye yaar! Why didn't you tell me! I can't fine you - you're also a police officer!


Wednesday, February 13, 2008

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

'Mother, where do babies come from?'

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, 'Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married.

One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.'

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, 'That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey.'

The child seems to comprehend.

'Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?'

'Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.'

Santa Singh is sitting on a rather empty train across from a good looking girl wearing a tight mini skirt.

Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.

The girl realises he is staring and asks, 'Are you looking at my puss....?'

'Yes, I'm sorry,' says Santa and promises to avert his eyes.

'It's quite alright,' replies the woman, 'It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you.'

Sure enough the puss... blows him a kiss.

Santa, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder puss... can do.

'I can also make it wink,' says the woman. Santa stares in amazement as the puss... winks at him.

'Come and sit next to me,' suggests the woman, patting the seat. Santa moves over.

The woman is now visibly horny and asks Santa, 'Would you like to push a couple of your fingers in?'

Stunned, Santa replies, 'What! Can it whistle, too?'

A worried father confronted his daughter one night. 'I don't like that new boyfriend, he's rough and common and bloody stupid!'

'Oh no, Daddy,' the daughter replied, 'He's ever so clever, we've only been going out nine weeks and he's cured me of that illness I used to get once a month.'

It was rush hour and the bus was packed. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, 'Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!'

'I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket.'

'Oh really,' she spat. 'Then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour!'


A little girl walks into her parents' bathroom and notices for the First time, her father's nakedness.

Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn't have. She asks, 'What are those round things hanging there, daddy?'

Proudly, he replies, 'Those, sweetheart, are God's Apples of Life.

Without them we wouldn't be here.'

Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and tells her what daddy has said.

To which mommy asks, 'Did he say anything about the dead branch they're hanging from?'

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.

"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"

"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit".

Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.."

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."

"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday.

In a check out line the other day and the couple were arguing about whose turn it was to pay.

The clerk was kind of listening until she heard the lady said to the guy, "Stop being a scrote."

With a furrowed brow the clerk asked, "What is a scrote?"

Without missing a beat the lady responded, "Short for scrotum. He is somewhere between a prick and an asshole."

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."



TOP REASONS WHY EVE WAS CREATED

10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.

9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.

8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.

7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.

6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.

5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.

4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.

3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!

And the #1 reason why God created Eve...

When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that!"


LAWS FOR WOMEN TO LIVE BY

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something - suggest they are too old for it.

10. Love is blind - but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man - look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal

ADAM'S FIRST MISTAKE

So...after Adam was created, there he was in the Garden of Eden. Of course it wasn't good for him to be all by himself, so the Lord came down to visit.

"Adam," He said, "I have a plan to make you much, much happier. I'm going to give you a companion, a helpmate for you, someone who will fulfill your every need and desire. Someone who will be faithful, loving, and obedient. Someone who will make you feel wonderful every day of your life."

Adam was stunned. "That sounds incredible."

"Well, it is," replied the Lord. "But it doesn't come for free. In fact this is someone so special that it's going to cost and arm and a leg."

"That's a pretty high price to pay," said Adam. "What can I get for a rib?"




BRAIN TRANSPLANT

At a hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

Surveying the worried faces, the doctor said: "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news. The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky, a you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. One man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more expensive?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and said to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've been used."

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, and walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife"

What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man. "There is more than one type?"

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk.

Confused, the man asked what the types were.

The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"

Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?"

The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."


A man died and went to into the skies. Yamraj met him at the Gates of Heaven and said, 'Before you meet with God, I thought I should tell you - we've looked at your life, and your really didn't do anything particularly good or bad. We're not at all sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?'

The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, 'Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a woman who was being harassed by a group of goons. So I pulled over, got out my tire iron, and went up to the leader of the gang. He was a big, muscular, hairy guy with tattoos all over his body and a ring pierced through his nose. Well, I tore the nose ring out of his nose, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering the woman or they would have to deal with me!'

'I'm impressed,' Yamraj responded, 'When did this happen?'

'About two minutes ago,' came the reply.

One day, after Laloo Yadav had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, 'You had a great check-up. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?'

'Well,' he said, 'I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.'

'That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?'

'Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2.'

Monday, February 11, 2008

Once Santa and Banta happened to be together in Delhi. Having excursion tickets, they boarded a DTC double decker. Banta, finding no vacant seat in the lower deck, went to the upper deck and took a seat.

He was surprised to see that there was no driver in the upper deck. Showing his anxiety, he asked Santa if there was a driver in the lower deck.

Promptly came the reply that there was indeed a driver.

Banta than said, 'Utte te wahe guru challanda pia hia!' (God is driving this upper deck himself).


Gopi and Ramu were out cutting wood, and Ramu accidentally cut his arm off. Gopi wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took Ramu to a surgeon.

The surgeon said 'You're in luck! I'm an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in 5 hours.'

So Gopi left and when he returned in 5 hours the surgeon said 'I got done quicker than I expected. Ramu is down at the movies.' Gopi went to the movies and there was Ramu, clapping at the screen.

A few weeks later, Gopi and Ramu were cutting wood again, and Ramu cut his leg off. Gopi put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and Ramu back to the surgeon.

The surgeon said 'No problem, but legs are a little tougher. Come back in 8 hours.'
Gopi left and when he came back in 6 hours the surgeon said 'I finished early, Ramu's down at the soccer field.' Gopi went down to the soccer field and there was Ramu, kicking goals.

A few weeks later, Ramu had a terrible accident and cut his head off. Gopi put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of Ramu to the surgeon.

The surgeon looked at the situation and said 'Gosh, heads are really tough. Come back on 12 hours.'

So Gopi left and when he returned in twelve hours the surgeon said regretfully 'I'm sorry, Ramu died.'

Gopi said 'I understand - heads are tough.'

The surgeon said, 'Oh no! The surgery went fine! Ramu suffocated in that plastic bag.'

Santa Singh is riding a scooter on the highway with his wife behind him.

His wife moves her hand closer to the guys zip and he increases the speed of the scooter to 60 kmph. She openes the zip and the speed goes up to 80kmph.

She holds his thing and the speed goes to 100kmph, she holds it even more tightly now and the speed of the scooter goes up to 120kmph. At this point a truck comes from the opposite direction and there is an accident. Santa Singh is thrown on one side of the road and his wife on the other.

The driver of the truck comes up to Santa and says, 'Arre sardarji aapto baal baal bach gaye!'

Santa Singh replies in pain, 'Baal baal to bach gaye lekin maal to vo le gayee.....'



A guy and his girlfriend were going on a romantic long drive. Suddenly, the guy, who is driving the car pulls up on the side of the highway and starts to take his clothes off.

His girlfriend asks, 'What are you doing? What if someone sees us here?'

The guys tells her, 'If you want we can go under the car and have our fun.' She agrees, but asks, 'What if someone sees us below the car?'

The guy tells her, 'Then we can tell them that we are checking for a leak in the gas tank.'

So under the car they go, and have the time of their life.

Some time later a cop comes and shouts to the couple, 'What the hell do you think you are doing?' So the couple give him the answer saying, 'We are checking for a leak in the gas tank.'

The cop shouts back at them, 'You should have checked your brakes first. You car has rolled down the slope!'


The boss who was on the 25th floor of the building called up the clerk on the ground floor for an important file. Since it was rather urgent the boss told the clerk it was an emergency and that he should hurry with the file.

After more than 30 minutes the clerk appears all tired and panting for breath.

The Boss asks him why he was panting and what caused the huge delay.

The clerk replies, 'Boss when I went to the lift it said 'during an emergency please use the staircase'!!!

Laloo Yadav was at a convention about the paranormal, ghosts, strange happenings and the people who had experienced them. After a while, the speaker asked the people in attendance, 'How many people have actually seen a ghost?'

Almost all the people in the room raised their hands.

A short time later, he asked, 'How many people here have actually communicated with a ghost?'

About a third of the room raised their hands to answer.

Then finally, the speaker asked, 'How many of you have made love to a ghost?'

This time, only Laloo raised his hand. The speaker was shocked and walked to up to Laloo and asked 'You have actually made love to a ghost?!'

Laloo replied, 'GHOST?!?! I thought you said GOAT!!'

Hari and Gani walked toward each other on a country road.

Hari carried a burlap bag over his shoulder. 'Hey Bhai,' Gani drawled, 'What's in the bag?'

'Chickens,' was the reply.

'If I guess how many, can I have one?'

'You can have both of them.'

'OK, Five?'

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!'

After a few seconds, little Santa Singh stood up.

The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Santa?'

'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'



At 11.55pm, Banta Singh was watching television at home. He began to get nervous because it was almost 12pm. He was worried that stupid things done by sardarjis would soon start being reported on TV.

He wondered how he could stop this? Switching off his TV was not enough, since all his neighbours would be watching and they would get to see any reports that came up on TV. So Banta got up and rushed out. Posing a TV repairman, he went to twelve of neighbours houses and damaged their TV sets.

When he returned to home his TV ws showing the news: 'Mad Sardaji causes havoc in neigbourhood!'. Banta felt quite pleased with himself, 'Good thing I destroyed all those TV sets! I knew this was going to happen!'

As the crowded elevator descended down Bihar Bhavan, Rabri Devi became increasingly furious with her husband, Laloo Yadav, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous young girl. As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the beautiful girl suddenly whirled, slapped Laloo, and said, 'That will teach you to pinch!'

Bewildered, Laloo Yadav was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, 'I... I... didn't pinch that girl.'

'Of course you didn't,' said Rabri, consolingly. 'I did.'

One Bengali Babu went to Cannought Place in New Delhi to purchase an umbrella. He had been told in Calcutta that one could bargain for better prices in Delhi also.

Bengali Baboo: How much does this umbrella cost?

Shopkeeper: Rs. 200

Bengali Babu: Can I have it for Rs. 100?

Shopkeeper: Ok I'll give it to you for Rs.150.

Bangali Babu: Well can I have it for Rs. 75 then?

Shopkeeper: OK, take it for Rs. 100.

Bangali Babu: Can I have it for Rs. 50?

Ths shopkeeper is pretty angry now: Why don't you take it for free??!!

Bengali Babu: OK, can I have two of them?


An American attorney had just finished a guest lecture at a law school in India when a young Indian lawyer approached him and asked, 'Is it true that a person can fall down on a sidewalk in your county and then sue the landowners for lots of money?'

When told that it was true, the lawyer turned to his partner and started speaking rapidly in Hindi. When they stopped, the American attorney asked if they wanted to go to America to practice law.

'No, no,' he replied. 'We want to go to America and fall down on sidewalks.'


Friday, February 8, 2008


An old farmer went to town to see a movie.



The Ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?"

The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster Chucky. Wherever I go Chucky goes."

"I'm sorry sir," Said the Ticket agent, "We can't allow animals In the theatre."

The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed The bird in his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket, entered the theatre and sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge. The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his pants so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.

" Marge," whispered Mildred.

"What?" said Marge. "I think the guy next to me Is a pervert."

"What makes you think so?" Asked Marge. "He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred.

"Well, don't worry about It," said Marge, "At our age we've seen them all."

"I thought so too," said Mildred, "But this one's eating my popcorn.

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!" She leaves the door to his room open on her way out.

He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After a half hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
After a pause, the doctor confesses, Not with a carnation."

Mast hai Baapppppppppp

Pati Chalo Kartein hain

Patni Nahin Munna aaj hamare saath soya hai.. dekh lega..

Pati Nahin Woh to kab ka so chuka, Please kartein hain..

Patni Nahin Aaj Mood Nahin

Pati Please Maan Jao, Tumhe kal ghumane le jaunga...

Patni Nahin..

Pati Please Maan Jao, Tumhe Diamond Necklace Le ke doonga

Patni Nahin..

Pati Please maan Jao, Tumhare Liye Nayee Car Le Ayoonga.

Patni Nahin Nahin...

Munna Baapu mere saath kar lo, par mujhe cycle la do !!


In an Automobile Engineering Degree Final Exam it was asked ' Design a best, ideal vehicle of the world.'

On the answer sheet a guy drew a sketch of a Woman and captioned "THE SAFEST, MOST AUTO-LOGICAL, USER FRIENDLY VEHICLE OF THE WORLD."

The perplexed examiner sends the boy a note asking him to justify his answer.

The boy explains in this way-

It is SAFEST

Because it has 4 bumpers-
2 in front & 2 at the back.

It is AUTO-LOGICAL
Because
(a) It is SELF LUBRICANT when HOT.
(b) It auto changes its ENGINE OIL every month.

It is USER FRIENDLY
Because
Every PISTON fits .!!!!11

The husband, wife and the five year old son in the family nudist colony. After the initial shock of nudes running around, they go to the beach of the resort.

The wife lays down in the sand for the tan of her life. Husband takes a leave to mingle around. The boy goes out near the water and plays with the sand.

After a while boy comes to Mom and asks, "why some of the women have bigger chest than you?".

Mom replies, "they are dumb".

The boy goes back and plays for a while, then comes back with another question, "why some of the men have bigger thing than Dad?

Mom replies, " They are dumber".

The boy goes out and plays for a while. He comes back after awhile and tells Mom,

"Dad is talking to a dumb Blonde and he is getting dumber".


Things You Really Shouldn't Say During Sex


* Is it in yet?
* (phone rings) Hello? Oh, nothin', and you?
* Do I have to pay for this?
* You look better in the dark.
* I think that goes in the other hole...
* Hey! My mom has that same bra...
* I hope you don't expect a raise for this...
* Hurry up, the game is about to start.
* ZzZzZz
* Are you trynna be funny?
* Can I have a ride home after this?
* Are those real?
* Is that smell coming from you?
* Haven't you ever done this before?
* I'm out of condoms, can I use a sock?
* You're so much like your sister....
* Your mom is really cute.
* What's your name again?
* Do I have to be here in the mornin'?
* A second time? I barely stayed awake the first time!
* But you just started!
* Don't touch that!
* Smile for the camera, honey!
* I wanna see how many quarters I can fit in there.
* I knew you wore a padded bra!
* You wanted me to use a condom?
* Hold on, let me change the channel...
* Hope you don't mind I left my boots on.
* Hurry up, the motor's runnin'.
* Stop breathin'...you're foggin' up the wind-shield.
* Stop innerruptin' me!
* It's okay, honey, I can imagine that it's bigger.
* God, I wish you were a real woman.
* Why can't you ever shave your legs?
* How much do I owe you?
* How come we each have a penis?
* Just use your finger, its bigger.
* Does your family have to watch?
* We'll try again later when you can satisfy me too.
* Get off me, I'll do it myself!
* Watch...my mom taught me this...
* Damn girl! My tits are bigger than yours!
* Should I ask why you're bleedin'?
* I haven't had this much sex since I was a hooker!
* Wanna see me take out my glass eye?
* Is it okay if I tell my friends about this?
* I'm sob'rin' up and you're gettin' ugly!
* Don't squirm, you'll spill my beer.
* You don't sweat much for a fat chick
* Did I tell you where my cold sore came from?
* Can you take it out for a minute, I have to fart















A man boards a Jet Airways airplane Delhi to Mumbai and takeshis seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees an extremely attractivewoman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she's heading straighttowards his seat. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his.Eager to strike up a conversation, he asks "Business trip or vacation?"

She turns, smiles, and says, "Business. I'm going to the annualSexologists' Convention." He swallows hard. Here is the most gorgeous woman he has everseen, sitting next to him, and she's a sexologist! Struggling to containhis excitement and maintain his composure, he calmly asks, "What's yourbusiness role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she says, "I use my experience to debunk some of thepopular myths about sexuality." "Really?" he says, swallowing hard. "What m-m-m-myths arethose?" Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that Negro men are thebest endowed when, in fact, it's the Sardar ji who is most likely topossess that trait.

Another popular myth is that French men are the mostsensitive lovers, when actually it is the Bengali. However, we havefound that the best potential lover in sensuousness is the Tamilian." Suddenly, the woman becomes a little uncomfortable and blushes."I'm sorry," she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you. I don'teven know your name!" "Venkatraman!" the man blurts. "Venkatraman Mukherjee! But my friends call me Santa Singh!"
A priest and a nun are travelling on a camel's back through the big Sahara Desert. While they are in the middle of the big desert the camel falls sick and dies.

The priest and the nun realize that without the camel it is not going to be easy surviving the desert and take it for granted that they are doomed to die. The Priest after a while says to the Nun, since we are both going to die and all through our life we did not get to enjoy the real life it wont matter if we indulge in the realities of nature. The nun agrees and say now that they are doomed to die it would not matter if they too would succumb to the pleasure of nature that eluded them all the time. So the priest tells the Nun that although he had ben instrumental with talking to many women he had always fascinated for women breats and as such he had never an opportunity to touch a woman's breast, so now that we are going to die does it matter if he had a feeling of the Nun's breast.

The Nun sees no wrong and drops her cloak. The priest fondles the Nun's breast to his hearts content. After a While the Nun tells the priest that although she has come acroos many a handsome men she never had an opportunity to feel a Man's Dick and that now that she is doomed to die it would not matter if she could see and feel his Dick.

The priest hearing this drops his trousers and the Nun proceeds to have a feeling of his Manhood by careesing the Dick. While in the process the Priest develops a huge Hard On and starts telling the Nun about what different things a Dick of a Man can do and that it being the most endowed organ God having bestowed on the Man and if this thing can be inserted in the right place can give a New life etc. thinking that the Nun would oblige for Sex.

The Nun listens carefully to the Priest about his praising and after while tells the Priest " Father if this can give life back then why the hell are you wasting your time! Shove it up the dead Camel's Hole and give it life and we can be on our way home".

Delhi'se Mughalsarai jaanewali ek train mein kuchh budhyijibi type ke log sawar thhe..woh log jor jorse antarrashtriya stor ke batien kar rahe thhe...
upar ke birth par so rahe ek gramin ko bahat pareshani ho rahi thhi....
batien karte karte ek sajjan bole..."pahle punjibaad aya,fir samyabaad aur aab samajbaad ayega.."
tabhi upar se woh byakti chillaya...bhaisaab jab Ilahabaad aye to mujhe thora jaga dena..."

Doctor to a Lady Patient "Jor se saans lo, Aur lambi saans lo" The lady does that, the doctor repeats the same thing 2 more time when all of a sudden a sound comes " Khataak "
Dr to the Lady "Oho! Lagta hai ke aapka Rib toota hai"

Lady to DR. " Madarchod, Rib nahee mere Bra ka hook toota hai !"


Thursday, February 7, 2008

officer--dekho,humme aisa chaukidaar chahiye jo sehatmand ho,chust,chalak aur chaukanna ho,jarurat parne par jisse hum daaT bhi saake..

yadi tumhare andar yeh saare guun shamil hai to tumhe yeh naukri mil sakti hai....


k aadmi ne ek gawar naukar rakh liya aur usse samjhaya ki kissi ke naam lene se pahle JEE laga diya kare...


thori der baad naukar bhagta hua aya aur bola.."sahebji sahebji kutteji'ne murgi'ji ko pakar liya hai...."


Asked my friend how he feels now after marrying the girl, whom he had dated for nearly 10 years.

He replies

Well before marriage it was like Airtel " AISA AZADI AUR KAHAN"

But now it's like Hutch " WHEREVER YOU GO THE NETWORK FOLLOWS."




A Paki, Bangladeshi and a Sardar are in a bar one night having a beer.

The Paki drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says "In Islamabad our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice."

The Bangladeshi obviously impressed by this] drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says "In Dhaka we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."

The Sardar , cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Paki and Bangladeshi. He says "In Delhi we have so many Pakis and Bangladeshi that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."

ladki ke piche koi ungali de ke bhag gaya. piche 65 kal ka baba tha.

ladki boli baba miss call app ne di kya?

baba apni dhoti utha ke bola meri to validity hi katam hai.

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy." I call mine "Sex".

Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex.

He said, "I'd like to have one too."

Then I said, "But this is a dog."

He said, "I don't care what she looks like."

Then I said, "You don't undertand. I've had Sex
since I was nine years old."

He said, "You must have been quite a kid!"

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex.

I said, "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night."

The clerk said, "Me too."

One day I entered Sex in a contest but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I should have sold tickets.

"But you don't understand," I said. "I had hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married."

The judge said, "Me too."

Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, "Me too."

Last night, Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?"

I said, "I'm looking for Sex."

My case comes up Friday.

BOY May I hold your hand?
GIRL No thanks, it isn't heavy.

GIRL Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY You love me...

GIRL If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY Sure, what's your phone number??

GIRL I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple

GIRL Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY Don't you ever want to improve??


Qs.-Who's the greatest terrorist of the World?

A.- WOMAN - Coz she has the power to collapse a tower every night

Qs.- And Who's the greatest builder?


A.- WOMAN AGAIN
Coz every night she reconstructs te tower se as just felled.


SARDAR- oh yeh roz raat ko condom use karte karte mai pareshan ho gaya hoon

SARDARNI- aakhir mein aap to bahat bekoof nikle- lamination kiun nahi karwa lete?

---------------------------------------------------

LADY- I feel I have an infection in my vagina

DOCTOR- Well.... When was it that you last had sex

LADY - About 6 months back

DOCTOR - Then thant is not infection.... that's RUST

----------------------------------------------------

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Female stages of life

AGE DRINK

17 - Wine Coolers
25 - White wine
35 - Red wine
48 - Dom Perignon
66 - Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES

17 - Need to wash my hair
25 - Need to wash and condition my hair
35 - Need to colour my hair
48 - Need to have Francois colour my hair
66 - Need to have Francois colour my wig

FAVORITE SPORT

17 - shopping
25 - shopping
35 - shopping
48 - shopping
66 - shopping

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE

17 - "Burger King"
25 - "Free meal"
35 - "A diamond"
48 - "A bigger diamond"
66 - "Home Alone"

FAVORITE FANTASY

17 - tall, dark and handsome
25 - tall, dark and handsome with money
35 - tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 - a man with hair
66 - a man

HOUSE PET

17 - Muffy the cat
25 - Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35 - German Shepherd and Muffy the Cat
48 - Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
66 - Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muff the Cat

WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?

17 - 17
25 - 25
35 - 35
48 - 48
66 - 66

IDEAL DATE

17 - He offers to pay
25 - He pays
35 - He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 - He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 - He can chew his breakfast




A man is working on the buses in the US collecting tickets.

He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.

"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes" answers the executioner. "Can I have that green banana?"

The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.

"Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before."

The man leaves and eventually gets a job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.

The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch ?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the
chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.

Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this
time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to The chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.

"What's your final wish ?" asks the executioner. "Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch.?" The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.

"I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand how you
can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it" he asked.

Nahh" said the bloke,

"I'm just a really bad conductor"

THE BEFORE AND AFTER EFFECT


This husband and wife are staying in a hotel, and after a romantic evening wining and dining they go off to bed. However, as soon as they settled down, the man (not quite ready for slumber) leans over and whispers softly, "Hey snuggle boopy boops, your lickle hubby wubby isn't quite ready for bye-byes yet."

The wife takes the hint and says, "OK, but I have to use the bathroom first." So off she goes but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face.

Her husband jumps up and exclaims in a concerned tone "Oh my little honey bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?"

No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad passionate sex for three hours. Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor.

Her husband looks over and grunts "Clumsy bitch."



AT THE CHICAGO CONFERENCE


A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. On this particular trip he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said: "You rest here while I register - I'll be back within an hour."

The wife lies down on the bed... just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.

Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up. The manager (naturally) is sceptical but the wife insists the story is true.

"Look,... lie here on the bed - you'll be thrown right to the floor!"

So he lies down next to the wife... Just then the husband walks in. "What," he says, "are you doing here?"

The manager replies: "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"




THE LIEUTENANT AND HIS WIFE


Shortly after being assigned to a new base, a Lieutenant and his wife were invited to the Colonel's home for an evening of bridge. The Lieutenant was partnered with the Colonel's wife and vice versa.

After many hands, the Lieutenant excused himself to use the toilet, but accidentally left the door ajar. When the sound of splashing echoed through the family room, his wife was greatly embarrassed and attempted to apologize.

The Colonel's wife smiled demurely, "Don't worry about it; this is the first time all evening that I've been able to tell what he has in his hand."



4 Nuns at a church wanted to watch TV...

4 Nuns at a church wanted to watch TV. The first one said she wanted towatch the INDY 500. The second one wanted to watch the sexy Shawn Michelson WWF. The third nun said she wanted to watch the knitting channel so shecan knit some mittens for the kitchen. The fourth nun said she wanted towatch the discovery channel on how a baby is born. After some dicussion,they all decided to flip channels every 2 seconds so they can watch thesame things.This is what is sounded like:And they're off! They're on top of each other! In...
Out...
In...
Out...
and
yes, the baby is born!


The right way to ask a question

A Jewish guy in a London hotel calls the operator and asks, in broken English with a heavy Lithuanian-Yiddish accent, for number 266418. A short time later, someone knocks, and when he opens the door he sees2 beautiful and sexy girls who asked him: Have you ordered 2 shikses for one night?
Love thy Neighbor

The middle-aged married couple finally moved into the Condo of their dreams, but right next door to a very sexy fashion model. The husband had taken to borrowing this or that from their neighbor and it seemed to the wife that it always took him way too long to return. One time the wife had had enuff and actually pounded on the wall between the two apartments. There being no response she telephoned, only to get the answering machine. Finally she went to the model's door and just kept ringing the bell. When the model answered, the wife fumed,"I would like to know why it is my husband takes so damn long to get something over here." "Well sweetie," the model purred, "all these interruptions sure ain't helping none either."

Why I Fired My Secretary

Why I Fired My Secretary I woke up early, feeling depressed because it was my birthday, and I thought,"I'm another year older," but decided to make the best of it. So I showered andshaved, knowing when I went down to breakfast my wife would greet me with a bigkiss and say, "Happy birthday, dear." All smiles, I went in to breakfast, andthere sat my wife, reading her newspaper, as usual. She didn't say one word. SoI got myself a cup of coffee, made some toast and thought to myself, "Oh well,she forgot. The kids will be down in a few minutes, smiling and happy, and theywill sing 'Happy Birthday' and have a nice gift for me." There I sat, enjoyingmy coffee, and I waited. Finally, the kids came running into the kitchen,yelling, "Give me a slice of toast! I'm late! Where is my coat? I'm going tomiss the bus!" Feeling more depressed than ever, I left for the office. When I walked into the office, my secretary greeted me with a great big smileand a cheerful "Happy birthday, boss." She then asked if she could get me somecoffee. Her remembering my birthday made me feel a whole lot better. Later in the morning, my secretary knocked on my office door and said, "Sinceit's your birthday, why don't we have lunch together?" Thinking it would makeme feel better, I said, "That's a good idea." So we locked up the office, andsince it was my birthday, I said, "Why don't we drive out of town and havelunch in the country instead of going to the usual place?" So we drove out oftown and went to a little out-of-the-way inn and had a couple of martinis and anice lunch. We started driving back to town, when my secretary said, "Why don'twe go to my place, and I will fix you another martini." It sounded like a goodidea, since we didn't have much to do in the office. So we went to herapartment, and she fixed us some martinis. After a while, she said, "If youwill excuse me, I think I will slip into something more comfortable," and sheleft the room. In a few minutes, she opened her bedroom door and came out carrying a bigbirthday cake. Following her were my wife and all my kids. And there I sat withnothing on but my socks.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

The flower vendor was an old hand at unloading his last few bunches. Appealing to a businessman on his way home, the vendor said, "How about a nice bunch of roses to surprise your wife?"

"Haven't got a wife," responded the businessman gruffly.

"Then how about some carnations for your girlfriend?" proposed the vendor without missing a beat.

"Haven't got a girlfriend."

"You lucky guy!" The vendor broke into a big smile. "Buy both bunches to celebrate!"

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

The little sexy housewife was built so well...

The little sexy housewife was built so well the TV repairman couldn't keep his eyes off of her. Every time she came in the room, he'd near about jerk his neck right out of joint looking at her. When he'd finished she paid him and said, "I'm going to make a . . . well . . . unusual request. But you have to first promise me you'll keep it a secret." The repairman quickly agreed and she went on. "Well, it's kind of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind, decent man -- sigh -- he has a certain physical weakness. A certain disability. Now, I'm a woman and you're a man . . . "The repairman could hardly speak, "Yes yes!""And since I've been wanting to ever since you came in the door . . ." "Yes yes!""Would you help me move the refrigerator?"

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."


Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car.

The only thing he said was, "F.F."

His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F."

Out on the highway, he said, "F.F."

She responded simply, "E.F."

He repeated, "F.F."

She again replied, "E.F."

"Mom! Dad!" their son yelled. "What's going on?"

Bad Bernie answered, "Your mother wants to eat first!"

At a local college dance, a guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance.

While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug".

She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."

A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss".

She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."

Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich".

She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."

The young blonde bride made her first appointment with a gynecologist and told him that she and her husband wished to start a family.

"We've been trying for months now, doctor, and I don't seem to be able to get pregnant," she confessed miserably.

"I'm sure we'll solve your problem," the doctor reassured her.

"If you'll just take off your clothes and get up on the examining table."

"Well, all right, doctor," agreed the young woman, blushing, "but I'd rather have my husband's baby.

A husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed.

So the man says to his wife "Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill!" She ignores the remark.

Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky.

The wife calmly responds, "If you think I'm going to fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken."

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.

The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.

She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!"

Here is this guy who really takes care of his body; he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day.

One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices that he is really sun tanned all over except one part and he decides to do something about it.

He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the dand except for the one part sticking out.

Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says, "There really is no justice in this world."

The other little old lady says, "What do you mean?"

The first little old lady says, "Look at that."

"When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it."

"When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it."

"When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it."

"When I was 40 years old, I asked for it."

"When I was 50 years old, I paid for it."

"When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it."

"When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it."

"And now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild!!"

after three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.

"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"

"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit".

Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.."